The Hobbit Hole
by i.took.to.the.sky
Summary: Billie is a girl who is down on her luck. No job, no car, no place to live. Thorin and his nephews are looking for a place to start over after the death of his sister last year. He can give her a place to stay and she might just heal his broken heart. (FemBilbo/Thorin)
1. It all Started with a Pube

"That's it! I swear to God you are the worst roommate in the history of…rooms!"

"Well you're no peach to live with either!"

"At least I don't leave my pubic hairs lining the bathtub like a frickin' carpet!"

"You don't even clean the bathroom I do!"

"You call that cleaning? I've known farm animals cleaner than you!"

"Oh really name one!"

"Chino only poops in one corner of her stall and yesterday she stomped most of the mud off her hooves before going into the barn!"

"…..Okay, but can you name five?"

Lizzy threw her hands up in the air, "Seriously Billie, what is wrong with you? You said you'd find a job, you haven't. You said you'd get a car, you haven't. You said you would be out of here in a month!" she pointed to the various piles of her friend's belongings that lay scattered around the living room, "I think you're trying to bury me in your crap at this point! Well I say no more! I'm sorry you got fired and I'm sorry you're having a hard time getting back on your feet but if you stay here any longer I'm going to punch you in the face. You need to leave."

Billie took a step back, pressing her hand to her chest, dramatic as ever, "you really want me to go?"

Lizzy nodded, Billie felt the tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. "Really?" Lizzy looked resolutely at the wall, she knew this ploy, and she was not being tricked with the poor, poor pitiful me act again, it was what had got her into this mess in the first place.

"Okay then," Billie grabbed her purse, from where she'd dropped it earlier on the coffee table, "I'll just-" She didn't finish her sentence, just walked out the door, already crying. Lizzy wanted to call after her, to say they would make it all work, but instead she went into the bathroom and looked down at the black, curly hairs coating the white porcelain of the tub.

"So gross," she thought. She sat down on the floor and rested her chin on her knees, her foot bumped against something hidden under the bathmat, she picked it up without thinking and sighed. It was Billie's book, 'Love in the Time of Dragons,' inside being used as a make shift bookmark was picture Billie had drawn of the two of them dressed up as characters shooting bolts of power out of their hands and laughing.

A drop of salt water landed on the picture, smudging the ink, Lizzy rested her chin on her knees again, cursing her stupid, messy, infuriating, best friend.

(Meanwhile)

"No." Kili said not even looking up from his phone.

"Just give it a chance," Thorin pleaded with his nephew, "I think it has real potential."

"No it doesn't," Kili said, still not looking up.

"He's right," said a voice from Kili's phone.

"See Fili agrees with me," Kili said.

"Are you two facetiming from the car to the backyard?" Thorin raised an eyebrow and then the other one. In response Kili leaned his seat back and put his feet up on the dashboard.

"The princess refused to leave her chariot," Fili said from the phone, over the connection came the sound of breaking wood, "Uncle, the foundation is rotten." More breaking wood, "in several places. We cannot live here."

"Everywhere else we looked was too expensive," Thorin reminded him, grabbing the phone from Kili so he could see his face.

"Hey!" Kili protested. Thorin ignored him, walking towards the 100-year-old house they were parked in front of. The front door was askew so he slipped inside. Looking up to take in the stairs, the twenty-foot ceilings, the hand-carved banister. "This place is really something."

"Correction it really was something once," Thorin started, he hadn't realized he had voiced his thought out loud. He held up the phone to see his oldest nephew scowling back at him.

"So we'll make it something again," he wheedled, "I'm sure the rest of your uncles would be happy to help."

"Okay, first of all I'm not seven years old anymore, it's weird to keep calling your old college buddies uncle. Secondly, why do you want this place so badly? Mom, isn't here anymore it would just be the three of us, living in a huge place that's falling down around our ears."

Thorin walked into the kitchen, he could hardly say the true reason he wanted this particular house, but gazing about the room he could see them. His wife would stand there, laughing at him as he cooked dinner and his four kids would sit at the table he would put, right there, (were the hole in the floor was currently,) to do their homework.

"THORIN!" Fili shouted. Thorin jumped, almost dropping the phone down the hole.

"What? Sorry, I spaced out for a second."

Fili rolled his eyes, "clearly." Heavy boots sounded behind him, Thorin turned around and seeing who it was pressed end. Fili came into the kitchen, frowning. He looked down the hole and then stood with Thorin at the edge of it for a minute before letting out a long sigh.

"We're getting the house aren't we?"

"Yeah."

"You want to tell Kili or should I."

"You better do it, he's not as likely to murder his twin."

Fili sighed again turning to clomp from the room, "Fine but I want cheeseburgers for dinner!" he called over his shoulder.

(…And then)

Billie sat at her booth in the Under the Mountain truck stop restaurant thinking hard. Whose couch could she crash on for a while? Maybe Aunt Stacie's? No, Aunt Stacie hated her. Kristen? No, she'd just had the baby, doubtful she'd want a house guest.

"You want another root beer love?" Bombor, the fry cook asked, waddling over to refill her glass. Billie smiled up at the fat man, when she's first got in here, her eyes all red from crying and covered in sweat from walking for so long in the Texas summer sun this man hadn't asked her what was wrong. He'd just ushered her into a booth and put a basket of fries in front of her. That had been almost three hours ago, and about every twenty minutes he refilled the fries. She hoped thirty dollars was enough of a tip to say how grateful she was because that was all the cash she had on her.

"Nah, I better get going," she said, unsticking her legs from the vinyl seat as she stood up, "Do I pay up front?"

"It's on the house sweetie," Bombor said, crossing his pudgy arms, "You walked here didn't you? Need me to give you a ride somewhere?"

"Oh no, really I can pay," she held up her wallet. Bombor laughed.

"We made too many and were going to throw those fries out anyways honey. Don't worry about it."

"You're sure? I mean I ate like five basketsful, that's got to be a lot of money and- she trailed off. Bombor smiled at her.

"Don't worry about it," he said again, "you sure you don't need a ride?"

Billie shook her head, "No, but thank you for the offer, and the fries… and the root beer. I needed to just sit for a while."

The fry cook nodded, "I understand, sometimes that's all you need, to just, sit."

"Thanks for everything," Billie said walking away and giving him an awkward wave as she did, she pushed open the door almost taking out a tall man who was trying to come inside.

"Oh my God, I am so sorry," she gasped, "are you alright?" The man's grey eyes flashed at her, the tips of his ears went red but he didn't get a chance to say anything before two men with ponytails came up behind him and started talking non-stop.

"What's the hold-up Uncle Thorin?"

"Uncle Bombor is on shift tonight right?"

"You know he's not really our uncle."

"So? He's like an uncle. Quit trying to be so grown-up all the time Fili."

"I'm 18, I am a grown-up, so are you according to the American government."

"You're only as old as you feel you are, so for you that would be what? 56?"

"Sorry for almost taking your nose off," Billie said, sliding past the odd threesome and out into the Texas twilight. Thorin watched her walk away.

"Uncle Bombor!" Kili cried, giving the fat cook a hug, "It's been too long." He pulled back and put on a serious face, "Fili says you're not his uncle anymore."

"I did not say that!" Fili said, irritated, "it's just weird to still refer to Uncle Thorin's friends as uncle when they are not actually related to us!"

"I may be his twin, but I have my own opinions and I think that's stupid," Kili said, then added in a stage whisper, "so please don't scimp on the bacon in my cheeseburger."

"How you been Thorin?" Bombor asked his old friend, ignoring the twins.

"Who was that girl?" Thorin asked, staring out the window, watching her walk down highway.

Bombor frowned, "I don't know. Came in here crying a couple of hours ago, said she needed a place to sit for a while. I gave her some fries on the house and offered her a ride, but she wouldn't take it. Cutie, wasn't she?"

Thorin nodded.

"Oooooooo Uncle Thorin's got a crush on a drifter." Kili mocked.

"Can we stuff him in the walk-in freezer until dinner is over?" Fili asked, "Please, I require peace to digest."

"You require me to take the stick out of your butt," Kili laughed, flicking a straw at him.

(Meanwhile)

Billie had pulled out her cell phone a dozen times all set to call Lizzy and apologize. It was a stupid fight and she was right, it was revolting that she had left her shaved pubes all over the tub. She hadn't meant to, but she'd gotten so wrapped up in her book that she had forgotten to push them down the drain after she let her bath water out. She sighed, her mom was right, she was a disgusting girl. No wonder she didn't have a boyfriend.

She pulled out her phone again pushing in Lizzy's number, she held it to her ear, Lizzy picked up on the first ring.

"Hi."

"Hey," Billie sighed, "look I'm sorry I know I'm a mess, a hot goofy mess, and I don't really see that changing anytime soon, but I'll work really hard at not being such a slob I promise and I really am sorry."

Lizzy looked around her, it had taken all day to get her apartment clean and she knew the minute Billie came back all that hard work would disappear. She didn't want to be a jerk but she knew if she let her best friend back in, they probably wouldn't be best friends anymore by the end of the month.

"I forgive you," she said into the phone, "but I was serious earlier. Billie we cannot be roommates anymore. Either I'm going to kill you or one of your piles is going to topple over and crush me to death."

Billie's chest tightened, she knew Lizzy was right, but where was she going to live? Who was going to take in a jobless, carless, messy freakaziod like herself.

"I understand," she said, shielding her eyes from the lights of an oncoming car, "I'll find somewhere else."

"You can sleep here tonight," Lizzy said, starting to sound panicked, "I don't want you to have to stay in the gutter or anything."

Billie laughed, "Liz it's okay I'll just get a hotel for the night."

"Well do you want me to drive you there?" Another car rumbled by, flashing it's brights and honking, "Where are you anyways?"

"Walking along the side of the highway," Billie hopped over a long, skinny something that was either a stick, or a sleeping snake. She couldn't tell in the dark and wasn't about to take chances.

"At night? By yourself? Billie there could be creepers out there! I'm coming to get you right now!"

"Lizzy I'll be fine-

"Right now!"

"Okay, okay I'm about halfway between your house and that truck stop with the restaurant in it." She could hear Lizzy's keys jingling as she walked, could hear her open the door.

"That's like six miles away, why'd you walk so far?"

"I just started walking and next thing I knew I was there." Billie shrugged, even though Lizzy couldn't see her.

"Okay, I'll be there in like five-ten minutes, eleven tops. Don't talk to strangers alright, or wave at trucks."

"Why would I wave at tr- Billie started only to remember all the times she had waved at truck drivers trying to get them to honk their horns, "right, sorry I promise not to wave at trucks."

"Love you, don't die before I get there."

"Love you too," Billie hung up and shoved her hands into her pockets doing mental calculations. How much money did she have left from her last paycheck? 100 dollars? She remembered the fry cook's kindness, no 130. Damn, she probably couldn't stay the night in a hotel. Which brought her back to her original problem, whose couch could she crash on for a while. So lost in thought was she that she didn't notice the headlights steadily creeping up on her until the truck they belonged to practically ran over the backs of her shoes.

She whirled around, a large man was squinting at her through the windshield, the passenger door flew open and another equally large individual started advancing towards her.

"What'cha doing out here in the dark girly?"

(…And then)

Thorin was driving home when he saw the girl again, she was walking along the side of the road, hands in her pockets, apparently not at all afraid to be on the side of the highway at night.

"It's your cute drifter Uncle Thorin!" Kili said.

"Do you think we should give her a ride?" Fili looked concerned.

"Will she take one is the question we are a bunch of guys in a truck." Kili said. They zipped past her, Thorin shook his head.

"We'd just freak her out." He decided aloud.

"I think someone else is already taking care of that," Kili said, alarmed Thorin glanced into the rearview mirror. Another truck was creeping up on the oblivious woman. Without thinking what he was doing he turned the wheel violently to the left and preformed a completely illegal U-turn in the middle of a Texas highway. Luckily it was only a two lane Texas highway and no one else was coming at the moment, still Fili started muttering curses under his breath.

Someone had gotten out of the other truck and had the girl by her arm, she was trying to pull away but the other person was much bigger than her and simply towed her along. Thorin skidded the truck to a halt only a few feet away and leapt out to do? He had no idea what. The girl screamed at the man to let her go.

"Hey!" Kili shouted, he and Fili had jumped out too and were running up to the captor and his victim armed with rocks they had scooped up from the ground. Thorin joined them rushing forwards and yanking the girl free, shoving her behind him.

"You leave her alone!" Kili continued, while Fili stood there looking menacing.

"This don't concern you," the large man said, spitting out a stream of tobacco juice, "We was just going to have us a conversation."

"Sure you were," Fili growled, "But now it's time to be on your way." The driver's side window of the other truck rolled down.

"Henry, come on," a man's voice said, "she's not worth the trouble." Henry let his feelings be known by spitting another wad of tobacco juice at Thorin's shoes, but he turned around got back into the other truck all the same. The other driver pulled out with a roar of a broken muffler and a cloud of dust.

Thorin turned to the girl meaning to ask if she was okay, but for some reason she was lying on the ground with her eyes closed. The family gathered around her prone figure.

"Did we kill her?" Kili asked.


	2. And then there was Vomit

Billie had never been graceful, she always had a bruise or two incurred from banging into something and she had hit her head more times than she could count. But this one had to take, if not the cake, a cake somewhere.

When her rescuer had pushed her behind him she had gotten her feet tangled up around each other and she had gone careening backwards to smack her head against the pavement. She must have blacked out for a minute, because she didn't remember anything after that, her eyes blinked open, anything like how she had got into this car!

She was lying stretched out across a seat, her cheek was sticky with something. The radio was switching back and forth between the rock station and the outlaw country station.

"No more! I can't listen to them moo about Mama any longer!" Someone nearby said, their voice sounded kind of familiar.

"They aren't mooing!" someone else retorted, weird his voice sounded familiar too.

"They are too; listen to this guy it's been 3 minutes of cow noises!"

"If you two break the radio you're paying for a new one." A deep voice growled. The other two stopped bickering for a second, Billie heard the rush of wind coming through an open window.

"So can we listen to rock for one song?" the first voice asked.

"Mmmmmm," the second voice stretched out the noise, "No." the country got turned up and they were off again. Billie very slowly sat up. She was in the backseat of a truck; her three rescuers were squished together in the front. God, her head hurt, she reached a hand up to cradle the lump that had formed behind her ear, her hair was sticky too. What had she rolled in? The truck went over a pothole, causing all the fries in her stomach to slosh up into her throat, she managed to swallow them back and then let out a groan. The ponytail brothers turned around, one was blonde, the other brunette but other than that they looked almost exactly alike.

"Oh," she thought, "Twins."

"You're awake," Blondey said, then he frowned, "How are you feeling? I'm not sure you should be sitting up."

"Yeah, you're still bleeding," his twin said. Billie was about to say she felt fine, but then the fries sloshed back up and instead she leaned over and puked on the floor. The driver let out a curse and pulled the car into a parking lot.

"Sorry," Billie mumbled when she was done. The driver got out, opened her door and helped her out of the car. Her legs were wobbly so she found herself leaning against him.

"Don't worry about it we're here." Billie looked up, they were standing in front of the emergency room entrance to the county hospital.

"Oh, no, really I don't need to – " she tried to back away but her Jello knees wouldn't support her and before she knew it the driver had scooped her up and was carrying her bride style towards the entrance.

"Yes, you do," he growled. Billie was going to protest but apparently the rest of the fries wanted to escape too, so she pressed her lips together, praying they would stay put. Then they were through the automatic doors and the duty nurse was rushing forwards, twittering at her rescuers elbow.

"What happened?"

"She hit her head on the pavement, I think she might have cracked it open and she just threw up her dinner." The nurse said something over the intercom and an orderly with a rolling stretcher was there. Her rescuer lowered her gently onto the starched white cotton padding.

Billie hadn't really looked at him yet, but now she did as he walked with her back into the ER. He was tall, with thick black hair and a well-styled black beard that framed his handsome face. He looked down at her and his grey eyes flashed. Recognition dawned, the guy who's face she had almost bashed in earlier! They rolled into a brightly lit room, her rescuer went to a sink to wash his hands and donned a pair of latex gloves.

"You're a doctor?" Billie croaked, his ears went pink and then red, they'd done that at the restaurant too, did they do that when he was embarrassed? Well that was absolutely adorable.

"Yes," he said, turning her head to the side to better examine her injury, a nurse walked in and affixed a strap around the top Billie's head, a leather strap, she secured the other end to the table.

"Um, what's that for?" she asked.

"You did crack your head open," Doctor Rescuer said finishing his gloved pawing through her hair, "I'll have to stich it up. The strap is to stop you from moving." There was a buzz as something powered up, it sounded like electric hair clippers.

"We'll have to shave your head around the wound," the nurse said, already putting the metal edge next to her scalp.

"What?!" Billie practically shrieked, "Wait, really I'm feeling much better! There's no need for that!" A sharp pain pressed into the back of her neck, "OW!"

"Just a little anesthesia," Doctor Rescuer told her, "It should take effect soon and this will be over before you know it."

"Don't shave my head!" Billie pleaded, her words garbling together, "Don't-

(…. And Then)

Her phone was ringing, she tried to reach out a hand to grab it off her nightstand but found that her nightstand wasn't there. Well that was weird. Maybe Lizzy had moved it. She cracked open one eye and everything came rushing back.

She was in the ER, in a different part of it than where they had sewed her head back together, but she was lying on a cot and a blue curtain was pulled down the middle of the room, and it wasn't her phone that was ringing, it was the ponytailed twins, the brunette was busily pushing the call button.

"Hey," she said, her voice was still all croaky, "what are you doing in here?"

"I'm trying to annoy Uncle Thorin," the brunette said, smiling at her, "And Fili is trying to stop me."

"Unsuccessfully," Fili added, he sat down on the edge of her cot, "We didn't get the chance to introduce ourselves, I'm Fili and that," he pointed at his brother who was now holding down the call button steadily and giggling to himself. "Is Kili."

"Short for Killian," Kili said.

"No it isn't," his brother rolled his eyes.

"Well it could be!"

The curtain twitched aside and their Uncle Thorin entered, wearing a white coat and completely red in the face.

"You two are about this close to being grounded." He warned.

"You can't ground me!" Fili whined, "I didn't do anything!" Kili started laughing.

"You can't ground me either," he said, "I'm legally an adult."

"What you are is mentally unstable!" Thorin took a deep breath, "Please, just go sit in the car, both of you." Fili stood up and grabbed his brother by his ear, Kili gave a squawk of protest.

"Nice to meet you," Fili said to Billie as they left. Thorin let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. There was a long minute of silence.

"So, um, thanks for saving my life," Billie said awkwardly. Thorin looked down at her in surprise.

"Oh it was nothing." He flipped through the clipboard he was holding. Then finally asked, "Why were you walking along the side of the road anyways Ms. Baggins?"

"It's kind of a long story," Billie sighed, then looked up startled, "Wait? How do you know my name?" Thorin held up her wallet. "Oh." He handed her back the beat up leather holder.

"We tried to notify your emergency contact but there wasn't one." He said, slipping a blood pressure cuff onto her arm. "You don't even have a cell phone."

"I do too," Billie protested, tried to reach into her pocket but then realized she was wearing a hospital robe. "Where are my clothes?"

"You'll get them back when your discharged," Thorin told her, "but we looked through the pockets and there wasn't any cell phone there."

"It's probably in your car," Billie said, "or on the side of the road."

"Fine," Thorin nodded, " Well then, do you have someone who can come to get you?"

Billie opened her mouth to say Lizzie, or possibly no, but she'd be just fine. Thank you. Then she remembered Lizzie kicking her out, she remembered her situation, no job, no car, only 130 dollars to her name. Her head throbbed, her eyes stated burning.

"Ms. Baggins?" Thorin asked.

And then she burst into tears.

Thorin clearly didn't know what to do. He dropped his clipboard, "Hey, no, don't. Don't do that."

"I'll cry if I wanna cry-y-y." Billie hiccupped, "You'd cry too if you'd had-d-d the day I've had-d-d."

"Sorry," Thorin's ears were pinken-ing, "Sorry. You're right I don't know your circumstances."

"Damn straight you don't-t. I got fired, my ca-ar was repossessed and now my best friend kick-kicke-ed-ed me o-out because I'm a sl-sl-oooob!" Billie buried her face in her hands, "I can't do anything right."

"Please," Thorin sounded frantic, "Please, it's all going to be okay."

"How do you know that." Billie sniffed looking up at him, "I'm homeless and destitute." He met her eyes, his ears growing redder by the second.

"Because," he said, "because you can come live with me."

There was a long pause.

"I can what?" Billie asked.


	3. A Generous Offer and a Awful Hair-do

Fili and Kili had not gone to sit in the car. Instead Kili had slipped out of his brother's grasp and raced back to press his ear against the door hiding his uncle and the cute drifter.

"What are you doing?" Fili hissed at him.

"I want to see if he asks her out." Kili whispered, "can't you tell he likes her?"

"He doesn't even know her," Fili argued, "For all he knows she could be a drug addict or a wanted felon."

"So could everybody," Kili countered, "now SHHH!" Fili stood there for half a second and then pushed his ear against the other side of the door.

"Please," Thorin was saying, even through the door he sounded frantic, "Please, it's all going to be okay."

"How do you know that." The girl sounded like she was crying, "I'm homeless and destitute."

"Because," he said, "because you can come live with me."

"What?" Fili whispered to his brother, absolutely horrified.

"Awesome," Kili grinned.

"It is not awesome!" Fili looked like he was going to have a heart attack, "Clearly he is still not over his depression from Mom's death and to fill the void has invited a complete stranger to live with us!"

"Why are you always so dramatic?" Kili un-crouched and started walking towards the parking lot, "I think it'll be good for him to be around someone other than us and Uncle Balin."

"She could be a murderer!"

"So could I someday if I have to be around you for too long." Kili unlocked the car and slid into the front seat. He wrinkled his nose at the smell of stale vomit. They had tried to clean it all up using a roll of paper towels and a package of Armoral wipes they had found in the glove compartment, clearly they had not succeeded.

"We're going to have to get this thing detailed," Fili said, sliding in next to him.

"What are you doing get in the back!" Kili said giving him a shove. Fili looked affronted.

"Why?"

"Because we're not making our soon-to-be new aunt sit back there with the puke puddle!"

"Why not? She's the one who made it!"

(Meanwhile)

"I can what?" Billie asked again.

"You can stay with me for a while," Thorin said, staring down at his shoes, "if you really don't have anywhere else to go - he trailed off.

"Um," Billie really didn't know how to respond to such an offer. It was hard to form complete sentences while the back of her mind was screaming, "STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!"

"That's very generous of you but- won't your wife mind?" She just assumed such a handsome, kind man was attached to someone.

Thorin gave a little laugh, "I don't have a wife."

"Girlfriend?" Thorin shook his head, "Your husband then?"

His ears set off their embarrassment alarm, "I'm not gay." Billie raised her hands in a sorry gesture.

"Hey, you never know. I was just asking, to each their own."

"It's just me and my nephews," he explained in a much deeper voice than before, "We're staying at a friends for the next few nights, but we closed on a house today." He cleared his throat, his voice went back to normal, "There's plenty of room there for one more."

"I- Billie started, her pride and her cynical side were screaming at her to say no. Good Samaritan though he was he could still be an axe murderer. Plus, her pride added, she would be just fine on her own…probably.

"Like you were on the highway?" Another head voice argued, she wasn't sure which one this was but it sounded sensible. "Like you were for the last few months, sleeping in Lizzy's spare room and eating her leftovers? Oh yeah, you were doing awesome by yourself."

"You're really mean," her pride said and retired from the conversation.

"Axe murderer!" her cynical side shouted.

"If he was going to hurt you he would have done it while you were unconscious." The sensible-head-voice said, "Say yes, it'll at least be a place to stay for tonight. You can figure out another plan in the morning."

"If I really won't be a bother to you." Billie found herself saying. Thorin perked up, like a cat who hears his Friskies can being opened in a commercial.

"No, it'll be no trouble at all." He finished taking her blood pressure and wrote something on the clipboard he'd retrieved from the floor. "I'll go talk to the front desk and get you ready to be discharged." He gave her a smile and strode from the room. Billie took a deep breath and leaned back against her pillows.

"…Okay."

(…And then)

"Welcome to Uncle Balin's!" Kili said, shoving open the front door. They had driven from the hospital to a nice suburban area, old enough for all the houses to be different, this one most noticeably so. For some reason there was a boat half buried in the front yard.

"Uncle? I thought this was his friend's house?" Billie asked Fili, who was right behind her.

"Kili and I were little when Uncle Thorin started going through college," the blonde explained, "He was always babysitting us, so all of his friends became our surrogate uncles."

"Unfortunately for them?" Billie asked. Fili laughed, and Kili gasped in mock outrage.

"How dare you Ms. Baggins, we were nothing short of angelic as children. Sweet, little cherubs, sent down to-

"Cover the world in darkness. God, could you shout any louder?" A light went on upstairs and an older man in pajama bottoms and nothing else stumbled down to join them in the hall. His soft rounded belly wiggled every time he took a step; he was followed closely a stately looking woman in a pink bathrobe.

"You two realize what time it is, don't you?" the woman asked. Kili grinned at her.

"Just trying to add some spice to your life Aunt Dori. Besides it's only midnight." Dori tried to look angry and failed miserably, she reached over and ruffled Kili's hair, then noticing Billie, standing behind him let out a gasp.

"Oh my. Dear," she turned to her husband, "It looks like we have a guest."

"What are you talking about, looks like? We've had them for a week and a ha- Billie stepped out from behind Kili's back. "Oh!" Thorin walked up at that moment, "You pick up a stray Oakenshield?"

"Balin!" his wife scolded, she gave the boys a push down the hall, "There's leftover tater tot casserole in the fridge. You two go get some- the boys had already raced into the kitchen, "Don't eat all of it!" Dori shouted after them. She turned to Billie, "What's your name honey?"

"Billie," Billie stretched out a hand to the older woman, "Billie Baggins."

"Lovely to meet you," Dori said, her handshake and smile genuine, she put a hand on Billie shoulder and started to steer her up the stairs. "Come on, I'll show you were you can sleep, and you probably want a shower?"

"Oh," Billie smiled, "Yes please."

"Don't get your stiches wet." Thorin warned. She looked down at him and nodded, then followed Dori out of sight.

Balin crossed his arms and glared at Thorin. The other man had dropped out of college after only one semester and joined the Army at the tender age of 19. Consequently, when upset he had a tendency to get all…sergeant-y.

"Explain." he said.

(Meanwhile)

Fili tapped his fingers on the top of the microwave while he waited for his food to heat up. "You really think he likes her?" he asked his brother, who was busy pouring more frozen tater tots over his casserole, while waiting for his turn for the microwave.

"Duh," Kili said, opening the fridge to scrounge around for the milk. "He offered for her to live with us."

"That could just be another of his White Knight moments, you know how he gets. Remember that thing with the rescue llama when we were 4?"

Kili glared at his twin from around the refrigerator door, "I thought we agreed never to mention Snookums again."

"You still aren't over that?" Fili laughed at him, "That was 14 years ago."

"Mom said she was invincible," Kili glumly slumped at the kitchen table, "I thought that meant she could take on a truck." Fili practically doubled over laughing, though really there is nothing funny about a 4-year-old boy riding a llama into traffic. Even if the 4-year-old slips off and is miraculously saved from having his brains join the llamas as they splat across the street.

"Aaaanywaaays," Kili said, interrupting his brother's laughter, "Yes, I think he likes her. At the very least he thinks she's cute."

"Well, he's right there," Fili sighed, "And, I guess, it has been awhile since," he lowered his voice to a whisper, "The Arkenstone."

"Shhh!" Kili said, glancing behind him frantically, "Don't even say her codename. He might be onto it and he can finally listen to Paramore again."

"Okay, okay," the microwave beeped and Fili grabbed his plate out, "Sorry." Kili shoved him to the side to insert his extra tater tot-y casserole for reheating. "But, you're sure he isn't just being nice?" Kili sighed and buried his face in his hand.

(Meanwhile)

"And this is the bathroom," Dori flicked on a light, "Towels are right there and there should be plenty of shampoo and such." She gave Billies shoulder a squeeze. "I'll put some of my pajamas outside the door for you to change into, come downstairs when you're dressed and I'll heat you up something to eat." She turned to leave.

"Thank you," Billie said. Dori gave her a smile and closed the door. Billie sighed and walked over to turn on the shower, as she passed the mirror she glanced at it and then, Couldn't. Look. Away.

They really had shaved her head! Well at least part of it. Everywhere else her sandy, brown curls hung to the middle of her back, but in a rainbow around the bandage affixed to her scalp they had been chopped to buzzcut length. In the mirror Billie watched her hazel-blue eyes fill up with tears. She knew it was stupid to be crying about her hair but, it was really, ugly. Really, really ugly.

She turned on the shower so Dori wouldn't hear her and sank onto the bathroom floor.

(…And then)

Billie came down the stairs half an hour later, all cried out, wearing Dori's pajamas and feeling a million times better. Though it had been ridiculously difficult to shower without getting her head wet and she hadn't even tried to wash what was left of her hair.

Thorin, his nephews, Balin and Dori were all sitting in the kitchen eating brownies. Dori ushered her into a chair and put a plate of something fantastic smelling in front of her. She hadn't realized how hungry she was until she took the first bite. After that it was all she could do not to inhale everything on the table.

The others were all in the middle of a conversation about something that had happened back in college. Billie only half listened as she ate, her head resting on her hand. Dori gave her second helpings, and third helpings, she probably would have moved on to fourth helpings but Billie literally fell asleep with her fork halfway to her mouth. It fell to the floor with a clatter, making the rest of the group jump.

"Oh, poor things all tuckered out," Dori cooed.

"Don't you be bringing home drifters too now, woman," he grumped, "we've got plenty to worry about as it is with the baby coming."

Dori kissed her husband's cheek as Thorin scooped up Billie from her chair, "You worry too much old man." She said, "She's a good girl, I can tell."

"Hmmph," Balin said, unconvinced. Thorin carried Billie from the room, up the stairs and laid her in the guest bedroom he had previously been sleeping in. Then he left to go sleep on the couch downstairs.

Billie, of course knew none of this, all she knew was she was woken from a peaceful sleep the next morning by an exhausted looking Fili holding her squawking cell phone out to her.

"We found your phone between the seats when we were going for coffee." He explained, "Someone named Lizzie has called you 38 times."

Billie's stomach sank into the mattress. She had completely forgotten that Lizzie had been coming to get her! "Shit," she breathed, taking the phone from him and punching in her best friend's number.


	4. A Doughnut on the Ceiling

"Give me the address!" Lizzy insisted, after 20 minutes of, Thank God you're alright's and several, what happened's, "I'm coming to get you!"

"Liz, no it's okay. I'm going to get this figured out and then I'll call you."

"To come get you?"

Billie laughed, "No, to tell you the plan. If I need a ride I'll get a cab."

Lizzy sounded hurt, "Just because I don't think we should live together anymore doesn't mean I'm not still willing to help when you need it." She said.

"No," Billie cried, "That's not what I meant at all. It's just, last night kind of woke me up. I'm 25 years old and I've been relying on other people for almost everything for far too long. Before you it was Trevor, before him it was my parents, I mean I lived with them until I was 22! I've been mooching off people my entire adult life! Well no more. Today I'm going to sit down, figure out a plan, get a crappy job and a bunch of roommates who are also broke and live like a responsible human being!"

The door opened and Dori poked her head in, "Just so you know honey, there are doughnuts in the kitchen. You want me to make you an omelet or something instead?"

"Oh, no thank you." Billie said, she could practically hear Lizzy rolling her eyes as Dori went back down the stairs.

"Yeah, you're doing great at the whole independence thing."

"I said I had to figure out a plan." Billie reminded her.

Lizzy sighed, "Alright, well, call me when you know what you're gonna do. I'll feel a lot better if I know you aren't living in a crack den or something, so wherever you are I'm coming over after work."

"Okay, I'll see you then. Love you."

Lizzy sighed again, "Love you too. Don't disappear on me this time okay?"

(And then….)

A chocolate iced missile flew past Billie's head as she came into the kitchen. Dori was sitting calmly sipping tea as Kili pelted his brother with old fashioned glazed and springtime sprinkled doughnuts. Fili kept trying to get in a shot and missing.

"Morning Billie!" Kili shouted, "I saved you a jelly-filled!"

"Should you be doing that?" Billie asked.

"He's promised to clean the whole kitchen and vacuum the stairs if I let him teach Fili a lesson. Apparently he can no longer stand his holier than thou attitude," Dori said, she pulled out the chair besides her, "Sit down dear. Would you like a cup of tea?"

"Yes, please." Dori reached for an actual teapot in the middle of the table and poured the steaming liquid into the cup in front of Billie.

"Wow!" Billie took a sip, raspberry, strawberry, blood orange and honey, "Wow!"

"Nothing wow about it, I just mixed all the tea bags we had left in the cupboard and this is what happened." A crème-filled exploded on the wall. Dori looked at it and took another sip. "Not half-bad."

"Where is Dr. Oakenshield?"

"He had to go to the hospital for a while but he told me to tell you to stay here until he gets back, he has a proposition for you."

"He does?"

"Mmmmmhmm," Dori nodded, folding up the paper she had been reading.

"Do you mind if borrow that?" Billie asked.

"Be my guest, I'm going out to the yard to do some gardening. Balin left early for Post, but he's usually back for lunch in about," she looked at her watch, "45 minutes. So remind Kili that he'd better make good on his promise or he'll have him to answer to." She handed the folded up paper to Billie and humming to herself, sashayed away.

Billie dodged sticky bullets and retrieved her jelly-filled from the top of the microwave, she sat back at the table and opened the paper to the classified ads. Someone had to need a roommate.

(And then…)

Billie was trying unsuccessfully to fix her hair when Thorin and Balin came back. The newspaper was besides her on the counter covered in circled ads, turned out there were a lot of people looking for roommates, as well as apartments for rent. Not that she could actually afford any. Not unless she worked three jobs. Staring at the paper and realizing this fact over and over again had gotten depressing, so she had decided to take a break and do something productive.

She looked in the mirror, she had styled herself a mullet….fantastic.

"Hey business in the front, party in the back, "Kili said approvingly, coming to stand in the doorway. Billie gave him a withering look and he laughed, "Uncle Thorin wants to talk to you outside when you get a chance."

"Why is there a doughnut on the ceiling?!" Balin thundered.

"Crap! I missed one!" Kili turned to run back to the kitchen.

Billie sighed and took out the bobby pins holding her hair up, it fell back into its original mess. And she trooped down the stairs. Thorin was waiting for her out by the mysterious, yard boat. She really had to remember to ask about that.

"Dr. Oakenshield?" Thorin turned, his hands were behind his back like a gentleman in Pride and Prejudice, he smiled when he saw her.

"Just Thorin, please. I have a proposition for you."

Billie leaned against the boat, "So, I've heard."

"There is a job opening at the hospital, working behind the front desk, essentially you'd be a secretary, but the pay is good." Billie stood up straight.

"You found me a well-paying job?" she asked, in surprise.

"I did; they don't usually take people who aren't in the medical profession but they said since I knew you they'd be willing to make an exception." Billie opened her mouth to say thank you but Thorin wasn't done yet, "And-" he continued, "There's something else, come with me." He walked down the driveway and paused at a car, it was nothing special but he presented it to her with a flourish.

"This was going to be the boy's car once school started, they're seniors this year so I wasn't going to make them take the bus, but until then, I thought you could use it while you save up for one of your own."

Billie pressed her hands to her trembling mouth, fighting the urge to start crying again. "Why are you doing all this?" she managed to ask, "Offering me a place to live, finding me work." She looked at the vehicle in front of her and choked up, "loaning me one of your cars. You barely know me."

"Because you look like you've had a rough time lately," Thorin said, "And believe it or not I know how that is. I wouldn't have gotten where I am now if someone hadn't offered me help when I needed it."

"Help," Billie thought, "Right, the independence thing." She swiped at the corner of her eyes.

"Okay," she said, "I'll take your help on one condition, you have to let me pay you back for this, somehow. We have to make a contract or something."

Thorin grinned, "I'd already thought of that. Come with me." They walked back to driveway and he held the passenger side door of his truck open for her. Bewildered she climbed inside.

15 minutes later found them at a much more remote section of town. The houses grew steadily bigger, and more elaborate, the pastures with horses running more frequent. There was one blip in this picturesque landscape and that was the house they stopped in front of. It's acreage was overgrown with weeds, it's eaves covered in moss and it's barn falling apart, but it must have been something back in the day.

"This is the house I bought," Thorin said, "As you can see it needs a lot of work. The boys are going to be out here all summer fixing it up and I'm going to be out here whenever I'm not on shift, but we could sure use an extra pair of hands. That is my offer, Dori and Balin say we can stay with them until we get the plumbing up and running, but in exchange for using the car, you come out here when you aren't at work and help us."

"That's it?" Billie asked, "You don't want money or I don't know, me to pay Dori and Balin rent, you just want me to help you fix up your house?"

"Yes," Thorin said, he stuck out his hand, "Do we have a deal?"

Billie grabbed his hand and shook it vigorously, "Hell yeah we do."

"Good," Thorin pulled out of the rundown houses driveway and back onto the main road. "Now let's go see what Dori made for lunch. I'm starving."

After lunch, when Thorin and Balin had gone back to their respective jobs and Fili and Kili were cleaning the garage in penance for the doughnut on the ceiling thing, Billie met up with Lizzy, outside the private school where she taught riding lessons.

"Where did you get a car?" her friend exclaimed, once they had finished hugging. "Did you miraculously find a job and an apartment too?"

Billie grinned, "You're not going to believe this."


	5. It a Mouth Orgasm for You

The next couple of weeks flew by. Billie started her new job. Thorin was right she was basically a secretary, but the people she worked with were kind and the pay was good. She opened a savings account after her first paycheck; if this kept up she'd be able to afford her own car by the time summer ended.

Fili and Kili helped her move all her things from Lizzy's guest bedroom into Balin and Dori's guest bedroom. Billie tried to be as neat as possible, containing her piles to one big one on her closet floor. Dori told her secretly however that she didn't mind everyone's mess.

"I quit my job so I could be a stay-at-home mom when the baby arrives," she said, "but I've been so bored waiting for him to show up. It's nice having a house full of people that need looking after."

Everything seemed to be falling into place, until….

"GAH!" Billie screamed, scrambling backwards out of the hole in the wall she had been investigating.

"What?!" Thorin asked in alarm from the walls other side, "What is it? What's wrong?!" He hurried around the corner to kneel besides her.

"Bug!" Billie coughed, "went up my nose!" Thorin tried unsuccessfully not to laugh.

"Was it a big bug ooooor…?" he chuckled.

"It's not funny Thorin," Billie coughed again. Thorin smiled down at her, he'd taken her stitches out a few days ago and she'd returned from a visit with Lizzy that same night with her hair cut into a bob. Lizzy had used some magical hair dressing technique in order to hide the almost bald spot on the side of her head. The soft, brown curls framing her face suited her, he thought.

"Is it still in there?" Billie asked, tilting her head so he could see up her nose. Thorin put a hand under her chin to better peer into her nasal cavity.

"I don't think so." Billie turned pale.

"Oh my God, what if it went down my throat?! What if it was poisonous?!" Thorin laughed again.

"I think you'll be okay." Outside something boomed, causing Billie to jump.

"It's just thunder," Thorin assured her, there was a plinking sound on the roof, "and rain." He helped her to her feet and they walked towards the open French doors.

Outside the rain fell in sheets, flattening the grass in the yard, raising a river in the driveway. Lightening cracked across the dark blue sky, the wind whipped through the empty barn and flew up the porch steps to blow back their hair. Billie leaned against one side of the doorjamb, round eyes taking in the storms fury, Thorin stared at her for a second and then seemed to make up his mind about something.

"Are you hungry?" he asked suddenly. Billie turned to look at him, eyebrows raised. He felt his ears grow warm.

"I just realized we haven't eaten all day," he said.

"We had breakfast," Billie reminded him, "Dori made us sausages and pancakes."

"That was ages ago, it's," Thorin looked at his phone, "It's almost dinnertime." Billie smiled at him, one thing she had quickly learned she and Thorin's family had in common was their appreciation for meals held often and with large serving sizes.

"Want to break out the snack bar?" she asked, referring to the cooler in Thorin's truck filled with Hostess pastries, beef jerky and other such delicacies.

Thorin shook his head, "Let's go get real food, it probably isn't wise to be messing around with electric wires during a thunderstorm anyways." Billie nodded, before the spider or cockroach or whatever it was had taken its trip down her digestive tract, they had been trying to get the living room lights to turn on.

"Okay," she said, dusting herself off as best she could. "Let's go." Thorin retrieved his over shirt from where he had tossed it earlier. He always wore two shirts while working on the house, a long sleeved one over a t-shirt. Billie wondered why he bothered given it was usually 90 degrees out by 10 in the morning, but he was probably glad to have it now. She stepped out onto the front porch, mentally preparing herself to rush out into the rain, but Thorin surprised her by draping his second shirt over her head like a plaid hood. She blinked up at him.

"I need a shower more than you do," he said by way of explanation. "Ready?"

Billie grabbed the dangling shirt sleeves and held on tight, "Yeah."

"Alright, on three, one, two, three!" The raced into the downpour, Thorin clicking the unlock button as they ran. Even with his shirt over her head Billie was soaked by the time she climbed into the passenger's seat.

"Woo!" she shouted, peeling the garment off her hair, "That'll make you feel alive!" She tried to hand Thorin his shirt back but he shook his head.

"Wear it, you're shivering," she was, thanks to the rain and the trucks AC. She slid her arms into the sleeves gratefully. Thorin pulled the truck onto the main road and they turned towards town.

"We're not going to Bombor's?" Billie asked. They ate at the truck stop restaurant at least three times a week. The first time Billie had walked in with Fili and Kili to get lunch the fat cook had nearly broken her ribs with the hug he gave her, squealing that he was so glad that she was alright. Now he always gave her extra onion rings because he knew how much she liked them.

"Not today," Thorin said in answer to her question, he squinted at the windshield. It was really coming down; the wipers could barely keep up.

"Then where are we going?"

(Meanwhile…)

"Where are you going?" Kili asked, lowering the book he was reading to stare at his brother. Thorin had given them the afternoon off and he planned to spend it in complete slothfulness, apparently Fili had different plans. Kili's question left him paused halfway to the door.

"Um, to get…paint?" he said.

"Paint?" Kili asked.

"Yeah, for the house you know." Fili edged closer to the doorway."

"The house that won't need to be painted for weeks. The house that we still can't walk upstairs in because the floor is rotten through. That house?"

"Yep, that's the one." Fili made a mad dash out the door. Kili threw down his book and followed him, the rain made it hard to see, Fili struggled for the key to open the car they shared with Billie, and Kili slid into the passenger seat just as he slid into the drivers.

"Spill," his twin said, dripping hair hanging in front of his eyes.

Fili hung his head, "okaysothere'sthisgirl," he mumbled. Kili's smile grew wicked.

"Really," he adopted a listening pose, "a girl you say?"

"She works at the hardware store," Fili couldn't help but smile, "I saw her yesterday when Uncle Thorin sent me to get more sandpaper."

"And you thought by engaging in some mild stalking she might want to go out with you?"

"No!" Fili looked alarmed, "No, I just, I just wanted to see her again."

Kili sighed, leaning his seat back and propping his feet up, "Alright, let's go."

Fili looked at him in confusion, "wait you're not going to make fun of me for this."

Kili patted his shoulder, "Oh no I will, later. Probably a lot, in a mildly scaring fashion, until the day we die. But, you're my brother. If you like this girl, the least I can do is check her out so I can tell you how little a chance you have with her."

Fili smiled at him, "Aw, I love you too." Kili snorted.

"Whatever. Start the engine Captain Friend-zoned!"

(And then…)

Billie took a bite of her pizza and nearly fainted with delight.

"OhmiGod," she said with her mouth full. Thorin laughed at her expression of over the top ecstasy.

"Here," he filled her glass full of root beer from the pitcher on the table, "try some of this." Billie took a sip and moaned with pleasure.

"I think I just had mouth orgasm," she said. Thorin's ears went scarlet and he choked on the bite he'd just taken.

"Yeah," he coughed to hide his embarrassment, "it's really good isn't it."

(…Meanwhile)

Fili peered around a display of hammers trying to look like he was deciding which one to buy while simultaneously watching Kili while he was up front, talking to Elann.

That was her name, Elann. Fili hoped it was in reference to the 1980's animated movie 'Starchaser' because if so he was going to love her parents.

He shifted his gaze from the hammers back to the front counter. She leaned against the cash register as she talked to Kili. Her mandatory red apron couldn't hide her long legs or slim waist, her hair was blonde like his, but a few shades paler, dawn sunlight to his gold. Her brown eyes sparkled as she smiled at something Kili had said.

See now that wasn't fair, smiles like that should be illegal.

Kili gave Elann a wave and left the store. Fili waited a few minutes and then followed, he found his twin sitting the car staring at the raindrops as they raced down the window.

"She is so out of your league," Kili told him. Fili felt his heart sink even more; he'd known that, but…

"But if you don't ask her out anyway you are an even bigger idiot than I thought." Kili made a shooing motion, "Go on, strap your balls on and ask her." Feeling as if he had swallowed live grasshoppers, Fili walked back into the store.

She was stacking paint cans. He took a deep breath, walked up and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned to stare at him.

"Hi," he started.

(And then…)

The storm had subsided by the time they got back to the house. The stars were coming out as they locked up and headed back to Balin and Dori's.

"Thanks for dinner," Billie said.

"You're welcome," Thorin pushed his toolbox into the back seat, "I hope Fili and Kili enjoyed their day off because we're going to need all four of us tomorrow. We're finally ready to start the upstairs floor."

"Cool," Billie climbed into the truck and they rumbled out of the half-flooded driveway. Thorin switched on the radio.

"Hey can I ask you something?" Billie asked suddenly, Thorin turned the radio down and looked at her.

"How'd you wind up raising your nephews?" She'd been wondering this for a while, not that it mattered, but she was convinced that she was a cat in a former life. A cat that had let curiosity get the best of them and had gotten run over by a bus. Thorin was quiet and she was suddenly afraid she had crossed some sort of line.

"Sorry. I know that came out of nowhere," she said, "if you don't want to tell me you don't have to." Thorin laughed softly.

"It's not that, I was just remembering." He began, "My sister Dis got pregnant very young. She was 15 and when our father found out, well he wanted her to get rid of the baby, we didn't know it was twins yet. He said, having a daughter pregnant at that age would bring shame on the Durin name."

"I thought your last name was Oakenshield," Billie interrupted.

"It is, _my_ last name," Thorin explained, "I changed it when I moved out, but Dis was a Durin and so are the boys."

"Oh," Billie managed.

"Anyways, Dis refused to get rid of her child," Thorin continued, "The father took no responsibility for the situation and left, but Dis said that it was her poor choices that made the baby in the first place. She wasn't going to punish them for something they had no control over. So our father disowned her and then he disowned me when I followed to take care of her."

"How old were you?"

"I was 17," Thorin grinned, "Those were wild times. Both of us were still in high school and working whenever we could just to support ourselves. Miraculously I got accepted into college, even more miraculously I got a full scholarship. Dis had the boys the month after I graduated and together we moved to my college town, she got a little place and I helped out all I could. She finished high school online and by the time I had started my residency we were doing alright, and then she got sick." He sighed, "That was…rough. It felt like, we had made it up the mountain only to get attacked by a passing dragon. She died last year."

"I'm so sorry," Billie put a hand on his arm; he reached over and gave it a squeeze.

"Thank you," he let go and focused back on driving. "I miss her." He looked over at the girl in the passenger seat, "She would have liked you."

Billie smiled, "Really?" Thorin nodded.

"She was joyful, just like you. Life was an adventure; nothing was going to stop her from having her share of it." They pulled into Balin and Dori's neighborhood, Billie noticed that the car she shared with the boys was gone. They must have gone to the store or something.

In companionable silence they unloaded the truck and then Billie tromped upstairs to change and wash the dirt out of her hair. After her shower she opened her window and leaned her head against the screen, the crickets were singing.

(Meanwhile…)

Thorin sat on the back porch staring up at the stars, a lit cigarette dangled from his lips. He knew smoking killed, but ever since _her_ he hadn't been able to stop. He heard a window open above him, Billie must still be awake. He was about to call up to her. There were some beers in the fridge, they could talk for a while, it was a nice night now that it had stopped raining. Then his cell phone rang.

Thorin answered it without looking to see who it was, "Hello."

"Thorin?"

Think of the devil and he shall appear.

"Iradessa?"


	6. Kili Throws a Tantrum

Kili pulled into Balin's driveway alone and he couldn't wait to tell everyone why.

Flinging the door open he rushed towards the house, charging through a puddle that soaked through his shoes in his haste.

"Uncle Thorin!" He called squelching down the hall, "Billie! Aunt Dori! Uncle Balin! Guess what!" Thorin appeared in the doorway that led to the backyard a phone held to his ear. Dori poked her head out of the kitchen her cheeks stuffed with crackers, the box balanced on her pregnant belly.

"Give me a minute," Thorin said, turning back to his conversation. Billie could be heard running down the stairs.

"What is it?" Dori asked, but her mouth was so full of food it came out sounding like, "Blot bis bit?"

"Six sounds good," Thorin said into the phone as Billie came to join their huddle, "Alright…yes…okay. See you then Dessa." Kili felt his grin sliding off his face. Thorin hung up and looked at him expectantly. "Now, what is so exciting Kili?"

"Who was that on the phone?" Kili asked instead of answering. Thorin frowned at him.

"Iradessa is in town," he said, crossing his arms, "she wants to get coffee. What did you want to tel-

"Iradessa Stone?" Kili practically shouted. His stomach tightened, his skin crawled as covered in thousands of fire ants. "Uncle Thorin, NO!"

"What has gotten into you?" Thorin growled.

"Say you won't meet up with her!" Kili pleaded, "Promise me!"

"I'll get coffee with whoever I want to young man," Billie had never heard Thorin talk this way to anyone, it scared her a little bit. Dori must have felt the same way. She stepped backwards into the kitchen.

"Not her!" Kili pleaded, "Don't you remember what she did to you?"

"ENOUGH!" Thorin thundered, ears burning red. "This is none of your business!" Thorin's voice had made Billie want to flatten herself against the wall, but Kili didn't back down.

"Because I do!" He shouted, " And if you willingly let her back into your life you are an idiot!" and with that he turned and stormed up the stairs.

(…And Then)

"Kili?" Billie knocked on the door to the bedroom the twins shared, "Can I come in?"

"No."

"I have pie."

"….The door's open." Billie pushed into the room with her hip. Her hands were full with Dori's strawberry-rhubarb pie. A creation sent straight from Utopia as far as Billie was concerned. Kili was lying sprawled face up on one of the twin beds, his legs dangling over the edge. He raised his head a fraction when she placed the pie tin on his stomach.

"Do you have a fork?" Billie produced two from the pocket of her sweatshirt and was rewarded with a large Kili smile. There were a few minutes of silence while they focused on demolishing the dessert between them.

"So you want to explain to me what that was all about?" Billie asked, scraping up the last bit of crust. Kili sighed.

"Is Thorin in his room?" he asked.

"No, he's chain smoking in the backyard. Dori went out there with him." Kili played with his fork, his eyes burning a hole in the carpet.

"Have you ever heard of the Arkenstone?" he asked finally.

"No," Billie pulled herself into a more comfortable position, "what's the Arkenstone?"

"It was supposedly this diamond, owned by a Norse king way back in the Viking age." Kili started, "Legend says it was huge, bigger than a man's fist, it was the king's most prized possession, but it carried on it a curse. Anyone who touched it, came under its spell. The Arkenstone became the only thing that mattered to them, they would kill their closest friend just to hold it one more time. Within months of finding the jewel the king's children had died of starvation and neglect, his advisors had tried to kill him and the King himself had gone completely mad, locking himself in his room and talking to his stone."

"So what happened to him?" Billie asked, when Kili paused.

"His Queen stole the stone while he was sleeping and rowed as far out into the ocean as her boat would go. The king was chasing her the whole time, he fired an arrow and it pierced her heart, the stone slipped from her dead hands and sunk to the ocean floor. The king jumped in after it and drowned."

"Well that's depressing…" Billie pursed her lips. "What does that have to do with what happened downstairs?"

"Iradessa is Uncle Thorin's Arkenstone." Kili said glumly, "He is completely blind to the fact that she's awful and using him. They were together for less than a year, but she got him to by her a new car, he took her to Hawaii for a month, tons of other stuff, trust me the lady is poison!"

"Ooooooh, I get it! Because her last name is Stone and it was called the Arkenstone…" Billie trailed off, Kili was glaring at her, "Sorry."

"She broke up with him as Mom was dying, said he wasn't paying enough attention to her," Kili leaned against the wall, "he wasn't okay for a really long time. I just don't want him to go through that again."

"Well you don't know they're going to get back together," Billie said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "Maybe she wants to say sorry." Kili shook his head.

"That's the thing I do know. He- The door burst open and Fili flung himself inside.

"I just had the best night of my entire life!" he spun in a circle and then collapsed to the floor before springing up again to punch the air in triumph. "WOO!" He turned to smile at them and then noticed his brother's uncharacteristic silence.

"What's wrong?"

(…And Then)

Things were awkward and strained over the next few days. Not even the news of Fili finally finding a girlfriend could ease the tension between Thorin and the rest of the household, because it was as Kili had predicted he and this Iradessa person were once again dating. Apparently no one else liked her either.

Balin and Dori whispered together every time Thorin left the room. The twins were united in their glaring at him. Billie started spending a lot of time in her room, going into any area were Thorin and the others might be was like walking into the Arctic tundra wearing only a swimsuit.

Billie saw them together one night as she was leaving work. Iradessa had a hold on Thorin's arm and was wearing four inch heels. Billie didn't think it was just Kili's portrayal of her that immediately made her think, gold digger.

"Oh Billie," Thorin stopped by the desk, "This is Iradessa. Iradessa, this is Billie the girl I was telling you about." Iradessa gave her a simpering smile.

"I'm so glad you are getting back on your feet dear," she said, "Thorin was telling me about your unfortunate turn of events."

"Yes, he and his family have been very kind to me." Billie said. Thorin smiled at her.

"Billie is a great little construction worker," he started, "I don't know how I'd be able to fix up the house without he-

"Aren't we going to be late for dinner honey?" Iradessa interrupted. She held out a hand to Billie who shook it. It was like shaking hands with a dead fish, "So nice to meet you Bucky."

"Billie." Billie said. Iradessa smirked.

"Right, sorry of course," and then she sunk her claws into Thorin's arm and towed him away.

"See you at home," Thorin called to her over his shoulder.

Billie was left standing there feeling vaguely put out. She drove back to Dori and Balin's frowning. She tried to watch Game of Thrones with the twins but her heart wasn't in it, she went upstairs and stared at the ceiling. Asking herself the same question over and over again.

Why did it bother her so much to see that lady with Thorin? Iradessa had been just as awful as described but still, she shouldn't care who Thorin attached himself to.

Should she?


	7. What a Great Ass

"So that's Fili's girlfriend."

"Yep."

"She's pretty."

"Indeed she is. Nice too…"

"…. So why is she with him?"

Kili let out an exaggerated breath, "I have no idea! I've been asking myself the same question!"

Billie grinned, "Maybe she's a psychopath? Oooo! Maybe she's a serial killer!"

Kili laughed, "One that targets virgins!" Billie dissolved into silent chuckles.

"She- "Billie couldn't catch her breath, "she's wanted in 12 states! For- hahahahahaha!"

"They call her the Praying Mantis," Kili struck a storytelling pose, "she lures virgin males into her lair and then!" he slashed a hand across his throat, it was all Billie could do not to fall out of her chair she was laughing so hard. "I shall miss him; he was fun to mess with."

"Wasn't that the plot of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode?" one of Billie's coworkers, Neal asked. The twins had stopped in to say hi while Billie was at work, well really Kili had come to escape the new couple's lovey-dovey-ness which was still at its most annoying.

"That's where she discovered her calling!" Kili was on a roll, "While watching Netflix one night it came to her, what better way to cure her boredom than to start cutting throats?"

"What are you talking about?" Thorin walked behind the desk still in his scrubs, the site of him in mint green sent a cavern-full of bats swooping into Billie's stomach. It brought out his eyes. She stopped laughing.

"Fili is dating a murderer apparently," Neal said, when Kili didn't answer his uncles question.

"The pretty blonde girl is a murderer?" Thorin looked confused. Kili looked away and started fiddling with the three-hole punch next to Billie's computer.

"We were just joking around." Billie said before the silence got too awkward.

"Oh," Thorin looked at his nephew and sighed before turning back to her, "Alright well, you're off soon too right? You want a ride to the house or are the boys going to give you one?"

"No. a ride would be great." Billie said, Thorin smiled at her, he glanced over at Kili again who was now creating a sculpture out of paper clips. Thorin's gaze darkened.

"Fine, meet me out front." He said, sounding harsher than he probably meant to. He turned on one bootied foot and stalked away. As soon as he was out of sight Billie wacked Kili upside the head.

"Ow!" Kili said, rubbing his neck, "what was that for?"

"You're acting like a baby," she said, "just talk to him. Please, the silent treatment has got to stop!"

"I'm not saying anything until he dumps that bimbo!" Kili answered hotly, "I'm right, he's wrong and I'm not apologizing for something that I'm right about"

"But Kili," Billie all but whined, "The awkwardness is reaching new levels. Can't you just grit your teeth and stick it out like the rest of us are doing? We'll all get to say 'I told you so' when she dumps him."

"You don't know her M.O." Fili said, moseying over to join the conversation, "This lady hung on last time for yeeeeaaaaars."

"Your uncle's girlfriend?" Elann asked, Kili nodded miserably, "yeah we met her briefly, she had bitch written all over her hot, pink handbag." Fili who held her hand, planted a kiss on top of it smiling.

"You are so wonderful." He said. Kili made a gagging noise.

"Okay, come on," he said to his brother, "let's go drop Elann off so I don't catch your cooties." He stomped around the desk and started towards the automatic doors, "See you at the house Billie." He called over his shoulder.

"Bye," Elann said, waving as she and Fili glided away on Cloud Nine.

(…And then)

"He is the most frustrating human being of all time!" Thorin blurted out on their drive over the house. He'd changed into his construction clothes. Billie was mildly horrified to realize that her stomach bats liked him even more in faded jeans. They cupped his ass just right. She didn't realize Thorin was talking for a second, she was too busy trying not to stare at him.

"Huh? I'm sorry, what?" she said, shaking her head.

"Kili. He is the most frustrating human being of all time!" Thorin ranted, "He gets this from his mother! She was the passive aggressive queen!"

"Maybe he's just worried about you," Billie said to the dashboard.

"Why would he be worried? I'm a grown man! I can date a woman without having to get my nephews approval!"

Billie forced herself to look at him, she concentrated on his forehead, because everything else was just too distracting at the moment. Maybe her period was coming? It always made her boy crazy and horny as hell. Stupid period, why couldn't Mother Nature choose another way to tell her she wasn't pregnant?

"I'm only guessing here," she said, "But it's just you and the boys now right? You're all each other has?"

"Yes," Thorin's forehead crinkled, "Your point?"

"If my only family was dating someone I thought was bad news I'd fight with them about it too."

Thorin's eyebrows shot up, "So what do you suggest?"

"Show Kili what you like about Iradessa. Prove to him that she's a good egg and he'll lay off." Billie didn't add that she didn't think Iradessa was a good egg at all. It wasn't her place to get involved. Just because he had taken her in didn't mean…anything. "He just doesn't want you to get hurt."

Thorin sighed, "I suppose she doesn't have the best track record, but she's changed!" His forehead was starting to get distracting, not really his forehead but his eyebrows. God, he had great eyebrows, dark, thick and expressive. Nicely shaped too, he must pluck them, no man's eyebrows looked that good all on their own. Billie gave herself a mental slap and tore her gaze away, she stared resolutely out the window. The dandelion population had grown along the sides of the road, wasn't that just…her eyes slid back over to Thorin…fascinating.

"Maybe, if I bring her around more they'll see that." Thorin continued, "to start we could have a dinner together or…something."

"That might work," Billie nodded, her gaze fell on his lap. Crap.

"Okay, that's it, tonight we'll all get dinner!" Thorin glanced over at her, "You didn't have plans did you?"

Billie was shocked out of her perverted thoughts for a moment, "What? I'm coming?"

"Of course you are. I need you to let me know if my nefarious plan is succeeding."

Billie laughed, "your nefarious plan?" Thorin smiled.

"I know big words." They pulled into the houses driveway, Fili was out on the porch cutting floorboards. Thorin rolled down the window to shout at him.

"Fili! Get your brother and get back to Balin's! We're having dinner with Iradessa!"

(…And then)

"So you can't stop staring at his junk for the whole ride, but at the same time you were giving him relationship advice?" Lizzy asked, it was more like a laugh really, a question-y laugh. Billie had come over to borrow a dress and the whole Iradessa story had come spilling out. She sat cross legged on Lizzy's bed, hugging a pillow. Like if she squeezed it tight enough it would make everything less confusing.

"Not the whole time," she explained, "just for the last minute or so." Lizzy tried unsuccessfully to hide her mirth.

"Did it look like a good package?" she asked. Billie buried her face in her pillow.

"You are not helping," she mumbled. Lizzy laughed and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Honey I'm kidding, so you find Dr. Oakenshield attractive, big deal. He is attractive."

"It's not just that," Billie looked up at her, "he's also kind and he has this sort of dry sense of humor that's just, endearing and you should see how much he loves Fili and Kili, I mean. The three of them together are adorable. Plus, he loves westerns, like the novels. He reads Lewis L'Amour like it's going out of style, you know I love when a man reads as much as I do."

So you've got a little crush," Lizzy shrugged, "I think I'm missing the problem."

"The problem is my little crushes tend to evolve into weird, stalker-like tendencies. Remember in the 10th grade when I made us walk by John Dayton's house like 15 times a month, just to see if he'd be working on his car, so we could go talk to him?"

Lizzy frowned, "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about that."

"Yeah!" Billie exclaimed, "And I can't get weird with this guy. He saved me from living with a bunch of kids selling coke!"

"They wouldn't have been selling coke they would have been selling meth, this is Texas."

"Regardless, I'm pretty much his charity case and because of that he's never going to like me. At least not like that. I need to get that into my head real quick like, or things could get very awkward, very fast." Billie flopped her head back into her pillow.

"I think your overreacting." Lizzy said, patting her back, "So you want to borrow the blue dress or the green?"

(…And then)

"This sucks," Kili grumped, from where he lay on his bed. Fili was holding his hair up with one hand, looking for a rubber band, but he still managed to shrug.

"I hate her too, but what can we do. We can't keep not talking to Thorin forever, it's already hit uncomfortable times a million and it hasn't even been a week." There was a knock on the door.

"Guys can I come in?" Billie called.

"Only if you bear an axe and plan to end my misery!" Kili called. Fili rolled his eyes and let her in. The blue wrap dress she was wearing fit her perfectly, she looked like both sugar, spice and everything nice. Kili stopped bitching and sat up, raising both eyebrows.

"And hubba, hubba to you," he said. Billie glanced at herself in the mirror.

"Is it too much? I can't tell."

"No, it's perfect," Fili smiled at her, then let his hair fall back around his shoulders with an exhausted sigh, "Guess I'm wearing it down."

"You need a hair tie?" Billie fished a bright orange one from the depths of her purse. Fili took it and pulled his golden locks into its usual style.

"So where is Thorin taking us?" Billie asked, sitting next to Kili, "he just said, dress fancy."

"No clue," Kili stood up and pulled a sweater on over his white button up shirt, "but it better have steak, because I'm ordering the most expensive one."

"Kee, do you think you could not act like a brat tonight?" his brother asked. Billie nodded.

"Thorin really wants you to get along with this girl. If you refuse to like her he's eventually going to have to dump her because he cares so much about your feelings, and then he's going to be depressed." She said, "Just let it run its course Kili, no one wants them together, but I don't think their relationship is going to last forever."

"You don't like her either?" Kili asked excitedly, completely missing the point of her little speech.

Billie let her head fall back, "No, I don't like her either, but if you could just try to-

Fili shook his head to her, "give it up Baggins, I've been trying for an hour. He wants us to pull a Parent Trap and send her packing."

"No a Mrs. Doubtfire," Kili grinned, "Let's find out what she's allergic to and poison her."

Billie shook her head at him.

"Boys!" Thorin called up the stairs, "Billie! Let's go."

"Showtime," Kili said, starting towards the hall, Fili caught his arm.

"Please act your age." He begged. Kili grinned impishly.

"Worry not dear brother, I shall be nothing but cordial and polite to the horrible bitch that broke Uncles Thorin's heart into a million pieces." He straightened Fili's collar, patted him on the cheek and skipped downstairs. Billie pushed down her bad feelings and followed. Thorin stood at the bottom of the staircase looking dapper as hell, her mouth went dry.

"He doesn't like you," she told herself, as she descended, "he will never like you, like that. He is out of your league. He is too old for you anyways, he's like 35. You better not be a weirdo tonight Billie Baggins or so help me I'll-

"You look lovely!" Dori came bustling up, "I love your dress." She straightened Fili's collar which had managed to go askew in the two minutes since Kili had done it and then stood back beaming at them all.

"You are the cutest little family," she gushed. Thorin pulled open the door.

"We'll be home late," he said, ushering the twins out the door, "So see you in the morning?"

"Alright loves," Dori waved, "Take care." They strolled out into the Texas night, Fili and Kili hopped into the back of the truck. Thorin took Billie's elbow and helped her into the passenger's seat.

"That is a great dress," he told her before closing the door. Billie glanced over at him once they had started driving and the flashes of streetlight showed his ears to be bright, cherry red.

This was going to be a long meal.


	8. Hey, You're Crazy Bitch

"Please follow me," the hostess said, herding them into the restaurants depths.

"Steak," Kili sang under his breath, "glooorious steeeaaaaak!"

"Will you cut it out!" Fili elbowed him in the ribs.

"You two have gotten so tall!" Iradessa exclaimed once they were all seated, "I can't believe you've grown so much in just a year."

"Yes, human males can continue to grow well into what we perceive to be adulthood." Kili stated, "in fact the brain doesn't stop developing until about twenty-five." Iradessa blinked at him.

"Thank you Kili that's fascinating," Thorin sighed.

"Oh, you are quite welcome dear uncle." Kili grinned from ear to ear and helped himself to a roll. Billie stifled the urge to laugh. Unfortunately, Iradessa heard her and turned her questions her way.

"So Bitzy are you planning on working for the hospital past this summer?"

"It's Billie," Billie said, taking a sip of her water. Iradessa simpered.

"I'm sorry, I knew it was something unusual like that. Is Billie short for something?"

"No, just Billie. My mom is Shawn and my grandma is Andie, it's kind of a family thing. Name the girls with male names. My great-grandma was Bobbie."

Thorin's girlfriend must have had a script going in her head, because Billie could practically predict her next move, the script said, insert insincere smile here aaaaaand presto. Iradessa smiled insincerely.

"Well, bless your heart isn't that the cutest tradition."

Billie smiled back just as insincerely, "Thanks we think so."

"Are you planning to stay on staff Billie?" Thorin asked, "Because you could, you know, they love you up front."

Billie felt her cheeks flush, "Yes, I was." Thorin looked pleased. Iradessa frowned over the top of her menu.

"Hello, my name is Jim and I'll be your waiter this evening," their server interrupted. He was a nervous looking kid with a small red stain on the front of his white shirt. Billie suspected it might be his first solo day on the job.

"May I start you off with some drinks?" Jim continued.

"Could you tell us what wines you have on special please?" Kili asked, resting his chin on his fist.

"Well Sir we have-

"He's only 18," Thorin interrupted, "He's just messing with you." poor Jim looked flustered.

"Oh." His Adams apple started bobbing up and down.

"I would like a glass of merlot," Iradessa said. Billie glanced down at her menu, yikes, she couldn't afford anything here, especially not the merlot.

"I'm fine with water, thank you," she said, when Jim glanced her way.

"It's my treat Billie," Thorin was seated next to her, enabling him to whisper this without the others hearing. "Order whatever you want."

"Everything's really expensive." She whispered back, the corner of his mouth twitched up.

"I'm good for it." He turned his head and smiled at her fully, her stomach did a couple of somersaults. Jim having already taken everyone else's order was scurrying away, so instead of asking if this restaurant stocked large bottles of vodka and if she could have one, she just smiled back.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Have you boys applied to any colleges?" Iradessa asked.

"Not yet but I have several in mind," Fili said, smiling politely.

"I believe I am what they refer to as, 'community college bound'," Kili said happily. He was attempting to get his two forks to balance on top of each other.

"Kili you have to at least apply to some schools to know if they won't take you." Thorin sighed.

"He will," Fili said, glaring at his twin.

"No, he won't," Kili sang, almost but not quite under his breath.

"Did you attend college Billie?" Iradessa looked at her expectantly, she knew the answer, she just wanted her to say it out loud.

"No, I was a nanny for a while after high school." Insert another insincere smile, not even a smile, a smirk.

"Well, that's alright. Higher education isn't for everyone." Jim had arrived with the drinks, Iradessa took a self-satisfied sip of her merlot.

"What is it you do again?" Billie asked, trying not to let the rude leak through in her question. She succeeded but just barely.

"She runs her own interior decorating company," Thorin laid a hand over Iradessa's smiling fondly into her too made up face. "She's going to help redesign the inside when we get the house fixed up."

"How nice," Billie motioned to Jim to hold a moment and then asked for a glass of white wine, she could no longer stand this conversation completely sober.

As the meal progressed, Billie had to fight down the urge that kept arising to strangle Thorin's special lady friend. Ms. Business Owner had all the upper hand and she knew it. Billie wished they could just go rumble in the parking lot, but that wasn't the way this class of bitch fought. It was a snide comment there and an insult here. All cleverly veiled to make her seem only concerned, or simply curious.

"Where do you get your hair done dear? I've never seen such an uncommon style on a woman your age before."

"Your grandparents moved to that neighborhood in Florida? Why not this other neighborhood? Oh, they couldn't afford that, well I'm sure the first one is nice too. You don't need a large house or a golf course to have a decent retirement."

"My you eat a lot for such a little person. You better be careful, I bet that's already catching up to you and you don't even realize it."

Thorin and the twins clearly had no idea anything was going on. Thorin just kept smiling obliviously, so convinced his idea was working, and Fili was busy wrangling Kili. To placate herself Billie downed several glasses of wine, more than she should have actually. She had always been a lightweight and by the time they stood up to leave she had trouble not staggering. She excused herself to go to the restroom so she could wash her face hoping it would help sober her up.

She had finished drying off and was reapplying her lip gloss when the door swung open and Iradessa walked in.

"Hi-." Billie started.

"Oh shut up!" Iradessa crossed her arms, glaring ferociously at her, "If I have to play nice with you for one more second I'm going to blow my brains out. I'm here because I want to get everything out in the open."

"Okay," Billie stood up a little straighter so as not to appear any smaller than she was. She didn't want this c-word to think she was cowed by her.

"I don't like you." Ms. Coach Purse said, "I wouldn't like you even if you weren't living with Thorin, people like you bring me coffee and teach Thorin and I's future children piano."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, I'm sorry was that too metaphorical for you to understand. You are beneath us honey bunches. Beneath me and defiantly beneath him, he is the heir to the Durin fortune. The only time he should interact with people like you is when he tells you which rooms in his house you need to clean that week."

"Okay, look," Billie took a step towards the older woman, "I don't know what your problem is -."

"My problem is you are going all moony-eyed over my boyfriend." Iradessa closed the gap between them, she was so close Billie could feel her breath on her cheeks, it smelled like sour grapes. "Don't think I don't see the way you look at him. I know what you're planning and I'm here to tell you that it isn't going to work."

"I'm not planning anything -."

"Not planning to marry him and become richer than Batman? Because, news flash he is never going to want an ugly little nobody like you!"

Billie took a deep breath, Fili and Kili were right, this chick was crazy! She tried to go around her, just end the conversation by walking away but Iradessa blocked her path.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Away from you." Billie said, moving to the left, Iradessa blocked her again, "I didn't know anything about Thorin's money but I can assure you marrying him hadn't crossed my mind. I'm sorry if me living with him causes you discomfort but Thorin seems to be happy with our arrangement and I don't plan on changing it. Now let me by!" Instead of complying Iradessa put both hands on Billie's shoulders and shoved her up against one of the sinks, drops of water spattered against the backs of her arms.

"Not until we get something straight." She hissed, "If you say anything to Thorin about this or any other discussions we might have I will make your life a living hell. You wouldn't believe the power I have and you do not want to mess with me. Secondly, I want you out. I want you to go back to the clapboard apartment that you belong in and I'm going to do whatever I can think of to get you there." She let go and Billie had to clench her fists to keep from slapping the smug look right off her face.

"Noted," she said between gritted teeth. Then before she could do something she would undoubtedly get sued for, like rip Iradessa's fake blonde hair out from the roots she quick marched outside where Thorin and the boys were waiting.

(…And Then)

"That was so high school!" Lizzy exclaimed, it was the next day and Billie had called her on her ten-minute break. She was pacing around the back of the hospital, talking about the scene last night had fueled up her anger making it hard to sit still.

"I know! What the hell right? I thought we left the 'bitch he's mine' fights back in the days of volleyball practice."

"Neither of us were on the volleyball team?" Lizzy said, confused. Billie rolled her eyes even though Lizzy couldn't see her.

"You know what I mean."

"I guess, so are you going to say something to Dr. Oakenshield?" Billie sighed, leaning against the hospital's sun-warmed brick wall.

"I kind of already did." She said, remembering how that conversation had gone caused her to sink to the pavement, sitting in a very unladylike manner. What did it matter? No one was back here anyways.

"You did? When? What did he say?"

"It wasn't good Liz." Billie tilted her face up to the sun, closing her eyes. After they had gotten back to Balin's and Dori's Thorin had pulled Billie into the back garden. He was clearly ecstatic.

"That went great don't you think?" he asked, sinking into one of the wrought iron chairs under the veranda. Billie stayed by the door, the wine was making her sleepy and the four feet to the other chair seemed like a long way to walk. She leaned against the doorjamb.

"The boys were really opening up to her towards the end and she seemed to really like you!" The heir to the Durin fortune continued. Was he really an heir to millions, Billie wondered? Were all heirs' idiots or was it just him?

"Are you on crack?" she asked, the wine making her tactless, "that went terribly!"

The happy look melted right off Thorin's face, he looked like a puppy being denied treats, "What do you mean?"

"Kili was a sarcastic ass the whole time," Billie began, ticking off points on her fingers, "Fili was trying to be polite and force Kili to do the same, but trust me he doesn't like her either and Iradessa hates my guts!"

Thorin narrowed his fantastic eyebrows, "how can you know that?"

"Because she told me!" Billie blurted out, "She thinks I'm beneath her and she really doesn't like the fact that I live in the same house as you. She seems to think I'm trying to encroach on her territory!" She peeled herself away from the wall and almost pitched forward. Thorin reached out and caught her at the last second. "She thinks I want to marry you and be richer than Batman." She said into his shirt.

"What?" Thorin held her out at arms length, he shook his head, "No, you must have misunderstood her, that doesn't sound like Iradessa at all."

"Well maybe you don't know the real Iradessa," Billie pushed his hands off her shoulders and glared up at him, "Because that _is_ what she said, and if you ask my opinion she's a bitch who is after your money."

"Hey!" Thorin's voice went from confused to sharp in 0.3 seconds, "Don't you talk about her like that!"

Billie cringed remembering what she had done next, "She's the Wicked Bitch of the West!" she'd shouted, "Everybody else can see it why can't you?!"

"You're drunk!" Thorin roared, "Go to bed! I'm through having this conversation with you!"

"Fine!" Billie yelled back, stumbling into the house, "Goodnight you complete DumDum!" She tripped over the rug and crashed onto her knees, she tried to get up with dignity but just sort of floundered around for a minute before she managed to crawl up using the wall and then limp away up the stairs.

Kili and Fili had been waiting for her at the top, they pulled her into her room and shut the door. They all listened as Thorin stomped into his room.

"Will you all please shut up!" Balin screamed.

"Yes, sorry!" Billie and Thorin shouted back in unison. Before either of the twins could stop her, Billie pulled open her door to glare at him.

"Go to bed!" Thorin whisper shouted.

"I was!" Billie whispered angrily back. They glared at each other for a couple more seconds and then shut their doors within seconds of each other. Billie collapsed backwards onto her bed with an exasperated, "Argh!"

"Just let it run its course Kili." Kili mocked, sitting down next to her, "Why don't you try talking to him….I told you we should have poisoned her."

"Oh shut up Kee," Billie fought back tears, "Please just shut up." Seeing her distress Fili grabbed his brother by the collar and pulled him towards the door.

"We'll talk about it in the morning," he said, "Goodnight Baggins." They left, shutting off the light behind them. Billie had fallen asleep struggling not to cry.

"Oh Billie-love," Lizzy cooed, "I'm so sorry." Billie scrubbed at her eyes with the back of her hands.

"You think he's going to kick me out? I don't have enough saved up yet for the first month of rent anywhere!"

"No, I don't think he'd do that! Just go talk to him!"

Billie shuddered, "I ran out of the house this morning, I didn't want to see him at breakfast. I'm so embarrassed Liz."

"Why? You only told the truth."

"But I shouldn't have told it like that. I shouldn't have said anything if he didn't ask, this is none of my business."

"Oh pish," Billie knew Lizzy well enough to know that she was making dismissing hand gestures, "I think he made it your business when he asked your advice." Billie's phone beeped its alarm, she was due back inside in two minutes.

"Lizzy I've got to go, I'll call you later okay?"

"Let me know how it goes?"

"I will, love you."

"Love you too."

Billie walked back into the air conditioning and took her seat, trying to focus on the tasks before her, but it was no good. She stood up and consulted the chart on the wall behind her. Thorin should be making his rounds soon, maybe she could catch him between patients. She told Neal she was going to the bathroom and set off.

He wasn't in maternity, or the ICU, he wasn't with the old people or the children, nor was he in any of the break rooms she checked. Finally, she gave up and went back to her desk, defeated.

Her shift ended and she changed into construction clothes and drove over to the house. Thorin's truck wasn't in the driveway and the boys were nowhere in sight. That was weird, but Billie was actually glad to postpone their encounter a little longer. She went inside and started laying boards for the new kitchen floor.

One corner was giving her trouble. It was a funny angle and there was a little hidden part of it that was proving really hard to measure. She rolled onto her stomach and pushed herself under the cabinet blocking her view scrambling for the back wall. Her fingers brushed against something, it was cold and felt like…. metal? Curious she drew it out.

A ring of gold sat in her palm, clearly a wedding ring and a man's one at that. Nothing broke its smoothness, a simple circle of yellow without decoration of any kind but it was beautiful all the same. Billie slipped it on her finger experimentally, tires crunched in the gravel outside. She put the ring in her pocket and stood with a sigh. Time to go face the music.


	9. This Kiss

_Authors Note: Hey guys, sorry I'm a moron I forgot to add that paragraph at the end when I posted last night. Soooo, yeah….whoops._

It wasn't Thorin. It was Fili and Kili driving his truck. Billie sat down on the front steps with relief, maybe she could conveniently put this conversation off for….forever.

"There she is, the Hypocrite Baggins," Kili said, like he was a host on a nature show. "See how she relaxes in her natural habitat? When she's not busy doing things she has begged others not to do, the Baggins likes to cover herself in sawdust and drink root beer!" He grinned to show he was only teasing and handed her a bottle of the glorious brew from the pizza place Thorin had taken her to. The Durin boys were also frequent patrons.

"The Hypocrite also likes to wonder where the patriarch of their little tribe might be?" Billie said, twisting the cap off her bottle. "She owes him an apology for screaming in his face." Fili shook his head violently.

"No, no don't apologize." He begged, "You might be the only person who can get through to Uncle Thorin right now. He won't listen to us; he won't listen to Balin. If Mom was still here he might have listened to her."

Kili held up a finger, "Negative, he wouldn't listen last time until she got sick. Then he just didn't want to upset her and then the Arkenstone broke up with him so the point was moot." Fili nodded.

"He's right, you might be the only person ever to get him to think twice about Iradessa."

Billie laughed, "I don't think I've got him to think twice about her at all."

Fili raised an eyebrow, "Oh no? Then why is he with Uncle Bombor right now pouring out his woman troubles over lunch?"

"He's what?"

"He sent us away when your name came up," Kili said, sighing, "so we were forced to sneak the backway into the kitchen and listen."

"For once I agreed with this less than honorable venture," Fili said solemnly, "I hate that woman. In the words of that one guy at our old school. That girl is trouble, she gots to go." He wagged his head in a sassy imitation. Billie giggled.

"And what should we overhear on this less than honorable venture?" Kili continued dramatically, "But our Uncle Thorin asking his good friend Bombor if he thought you were right about his beloved Iradessa?"

"He did?" Billie was shocked, she had no idea Thorin took her opinions so seriously.

"He did," Kili nodded, then turned to glare at his brother, "And then Mr. I-will-never-be-a-spy-because-I-am-a-clumsy-idiot here knocked over an open sack of potatoes and we were forced to flee. So we never did learn what Uncle Bombor said."

"It was my first rule breaking," Fili whined, "Do I not get any slack?" Kili grinned and punched him in the shoulder, Fili wrapped an arm around his neck and gave him a noogie, Kili pulled away laughing. Billie took a sip of her root beer and smiled, it was hard to feel apprehensive and gloomy with these two around.

(…And then)

"I think that about does it," Kili stood back and surveyed their handy work. The kitchen floor was finished, the pale boards looking strange alongside the darker wood of the rest of the room. Billie grabbed the notebook documenting what needed working on and checked off the floor in the kitchen.

"So that just leaves us with the dining room and the master bathroom, at least as far as floors go. Was the master bedroom okay or did that one need redoing too?"

"I'm not sure," Kili admitted.

"Fee!" Billie called to Fili, "Did the master bedroom's floor need redoing?" Fili didn't answer, she wandered into the foyer. "Fili?" Still no answer, but from outside tires once again sounded on the gravel driveway. Thorin! Bombor must be dropping him off, the twins had said he was going to. Billie felt her anxiousness from earlier return ten-fold. She needed a minute or five, just to collect herself and possibly practice what she was going to say. She ran up the newly redone staircase.

The upstairs hall was all white new wood, it glowed in the construction lights hanging from the ceiling, but the master bedroom was dark. Billie grabbed one of the lights and stepped across the threshold. Downstairs she could hear Thorin talking to the others, it sounded like Bombor was still with him. "Please don't let him come up here," she prayed.

"Stop it Billie!" she chided herself, "Lizzy and the boys are right you only told the truth. Just apologize for the screaming part and everything should be good…. Hopefully." The floorboards beneath her creaked and she focused on the task at hand, looking for weak spots in the wood. Heavy footfalls sounded on the stairs.

"Billie?" Thorin appeared in the doorway, a black silhouette against the brightly lit hall, Billie swallowed nervously.

"What are you doing in here?" Thorin asked, Billie couldn't answer, she was too embarrassed, she couldn't even look at him anymore, she dropped her gaze to the creaking floorboards.

"You're not hiding from me, are you?" Billie could see his shoes as he came towards her, she forced herself to look up.

"Maybe a little," she admitted, Thorin laughed softly.

"It's not like I'm going to strike you down," he said.

Billie sighed, "I'm sorry I yelled at you," she said, looking back at her feet, "I was out of line."

"Maybe I deserved it?" Billie glanced up sharply.

"Oh no, Thorin! You've been so good to me and I screamed in your face, I'm sorry." Thorin took both of her hands in his and gave them a squeeze, Billie suddenly had a very hard time breathing.

"Apology accepted," he said, "Now, come on," he dropped one of her hands and using the other one started to tow her towards the door, "Bombor says he's making us chicken-fried-steak for din- CRACK! With a sound like an indoor thunderclap the wood beneath the doctor's feet disintegrated and down he went. Billie still holding his hand was pulled down with him, before her mind had time to process what had happened she found herself halfway through a hole in the floor, Thorin dangling at the end of her arm like a worm on a hook.

"THORIN! BILLIE!" Fili's frightened face appeared below them, they must be over the living room, well that was good to know.

"We're alright," Thorin grunted, Billie felt herself sliding forwards and dug her toes into the creaking floorboards. Footsteps sounded in the hallway.

"Hang on Billie!" Kili's voice said, "We'll save you!"

"Kili-lad," Bombor was blowing like an old toad with the effort of running up the stairs, "Go-(pant)-go downstairs and get your uncle that way, I'll get Ms. Billie."

"Right!" Kili's feet took off and a minute later he joined Fili underneath them. Thorin's weight was wrenching her fingers from their sockets, her arm shook with the effort of holding him. Billie swung down her other arm and Thorin reached up to her both of them grasping each other's forearms.

"Hurry up guys," Billie groaned. Fili and Kili raised their arms above their heads and were able to get a good hold on Thorin's shins.

"We got him!" Fili grunted, Billie let Thorin slide downward and with the boys help he was soon standing solidly on the living room floor.

"Billie," Bombor said. Billie raised herself out of the hole with a grunt and saw Bombor had stretched his enormous frame out from the hall and was reaching out for her with both hands. With effort she was able to grab his wrists and he pulled her over the gap in the floor to safety.

"Oh my God," the fat cook gasped, "Let's never do that again." The Durin's shook the hall as they rushed towards them.

"Billie!" Fili got there first, pulling her to her feet, "Are you okay?"

"Give her some room," Thorin demanded, shoving his nephew out of the way, he patted down her arms, "You're not hurt are you?"

"I'm fine," Billie pulled back to regain some space. She was trembling, she didn't want him to know how badly. "You're the one who went through the floor," she reminded him, "are you okay?"

"I don't understand how that happened," Thorin turned and started down the hall, everybody followed, Billie more slowly than the rest, "I checked that floor myself not three days ago and it was fine."

"It looked to me like a few of the support beams snapped," Fili said. Thorin led them to the living room, where he started rooting through the rubble, Billie stood underneath the hole eleven feet above them and shivered. The ceiling was an old fashioned wooden kind, planks laid over support beams also served as the master bedroom's floor.

"Thorin," Bombor held up pieces of the busted through beams for inspection, "look." They all crowded around him. The beams bore saw marks.

"Someone cut through these on purpose," Fili said, tracing the mark with his finger.

"Why would someone do that?" Billie's trembling got worse, seeing this Kili put a hand on her shoulder, she smiled at him gratefully.

"I don't know how they even got in here, to do it," Thorin said, "we lock this place up when we leave." He met everyone's eyes, but all they could do was look back at him in confusion.

It made no sense.

(…And then)

"Billie?" Thorin knocked on her door. They were back at Balin and Dori's house and Billie had stolen away to her room to change clothes while everyone else relieved the days adventures for the 20th time.

She finished pulling her tank top over her head, "Come in."

"Hey, dinner is ready," Thorin poked his head in and frowned at her bare arms. "What happened?"

"Huh?" Billie glanced down, her arms where covered in bruises, especially her right wrist which was red and slightly swollen, she hadn't really noticed it before, but now it was starting to throb. "Oh."

"Is that from today?" Thorin came all the way into the room and gently lifted her wrist up.

"I guess so," Billie winced as he probed it with his fingers, "I didn't really notice it 'til now."

"We need to put an icepack on this," Thorin said, he traced his fingers over her other bruises, "I think you sprained it."

Billie laughed, "You mean you sprained it, monkey man." She teased. "I wasn't hanging from it like it was a vine." Thorin's hands moved around her waist, pulling her closer.

"Did I thank you for saving my life?" He asked. Billie's heart fluttered in her ribcage like a bird, he smelled like chicken-fried-steak and mashed potatoes. She had never thought of that scent as sexy but it was right then…weird.

"That was just dumb luck," somehow words were coming out of her mouth in a normal fashion. She didn't know how as her lips were numb and her ears were buzzing, "Not like how you are constantly saving mine."

"I like having you around," Thorin admitted, "Life was so boring before you came along." Then he was lowering his mouth towards hers and Billie stopped breathing completely. She hadn't been kissed in a long while it was true, but she had never been kissed like this.

Electricity raced up her spine making her knees go weak, she braced her hands against his chest, curling them into the flannel of his construction shirt. His slid up her back to cup the back of her head, weaving his fingers into her curls. Billie shivered, pressing herself against him, he too took a step to close the distance and they wound up tripping, toppling onto the bed.

Thorin laughed and Billie felt it reverberate through her chest.

"Uncle Thorin! Billie!" Kili shouted up the stairs, "Come on! Dinner is ready!" Billie was in no hurry, but suddenly Thorin seemed to realize what he had started, what they were doing. He was kissing someone who wasn't his girlfriend and that was horribly against the Thorin Oakenshield code of ethics, he sprang upright.

"Shit," he mumbled turning bright pink, "Oh shit!"

"What's wrong?" Billie asked, sitting up, "Did I suck? I've never actually known if I'm a good kisser or not -."

"No, it's not- I've been wanting to do that for a while now." Thorin explained in a rush, running his fingers through his hair in a manner that made Billie want to jump on him and kiss him some more.

"What then?" she asked, grabbing his hand and pulling him back down on the bed.

"I wasn't supposed to have a girlfriend when I did," Thorin said, the blush receded slightly from his cheeks as he traced the bones of her un-sprained wrist with his thumb.

"So fix that, Dummy," Billie told him. She climbed to her knees and kissed his cheek, then his other one. A few seconds later she was in his lap holding his face in both of her hands. The sprained one throbbed at her but, she told it to shut up, she was in the middle of something.

That something being kissing Thorin Oakenshield senseless.

"Hey are you two coming or can we start without you?" Kili asked from the stairwell making them both jump.

"Sorry Kee, we're coming," Billie said, pressing her forehead against Thorin's.

Through the still closed door Billie heard him mumble, "About time," as he trooped down to the kitchen.

"I'll go call her," Thorin said, as they stood up. Billie shook her head.

"Breaking up is a face to face thing," she said, "you can break up with her tomorrow." Thorin pulled her against him again.

"I'm not sure I can wait that long." Billie laughed, shoving him away.

"Well I can," she said, opening the door and ushering him out, he spun her into him as he passed and pressed her against the wall.

"Fine," he murmured against her lips, "Tomorrow."

"Billie?!" Someone somewhere was pounding their feet, it was shaking the whole floor and her with it. Thorin didn't seem to mind, but he also wasn't shaking, he was just standing there grinning like a loobie.

"Hey, wake up." The voice said.

"Huh?" Billie's eyelids fluttered open, she was in her room at Balin and Dori's, she had come up here to change after they had all gotten back and must have fallen asleep. Bombor stood at the end of her bed, shaking her foot.

"Dinner is ready," he said. Billie sat up, disappointed. A dream, that's all it was, a stupid dream. She sighed and got to her feet, chiding herself mentally.

As if she'd ever be that lucky.


	10. Phoned in Drama

The progress on the house continued at an advanced rate after the accident. Thorin seemed eager to move into the place.

"If we're living there we might catch the sicko who tried to kill us," he said, "I'll bet it was a drug addict who'd been using the house to go on his benders and was trying to send a warning."

"That still doesn't explain how they got inside," Billie reminded him. Thorin frowned.

"No, it doesn't, does it?" They had checked the whole property, there were no broken windows or secret doors they hadn't known about before. Whoever had cut the beams had gotten in there using a key.

As Alice said as she strolled through Wonderland, "Curiouser and curiouser."

"I'll bet it was that Iradessa," Lizzy said, when Billie told her what had happened.

"She's crazy, but she's not a killer," Billie said, shaking her head, "and even if she was she wouldn't have chosen that way to do it. Sawing through things must be hell on the nails."

Lizzy had laughingly agreed.

Whoever it was they were persistent, a week or so later the brake line to the car Billie shared with the twins was found cut, after Billie tried to pause at the stop sign at the end of Balin's street and realized she couldn't. Luckily there were no other cars coming and she just rolled the car until it stopped on its own. A few days after that, a poisonous snake was found in the shower by a terrified Dori, who, fortunately had heard the hissing before she stepped into the tub.

After the snake thing Thorin made a fruitless report to the police, after hanging up he insisted that from then on none of them would go anywhere alone.

Billie was only too happy to comply with this order, it meant she got to spend even more time with him. Since her dream she had been having a harder and harder time shoving her feelings down. She had started making up reasons to be in the same room as Thorin, she rode with him whenever he had to go somewhere, Lizzy said she was entering "Billie's creepy stalker phase part two," but Billie wasn't about to let it go that far, she just, well…. She just liked him, there was no point in denying it. If she had thought that she had a shot in hell of being with him she would have opened that door. Stepped across that line, said something at least, but as it was. As it was she was just glad Thorin seemed to find her amusing. Iradessa was right about one thing, he was never going to want a little nobody like her.

Billie tried her damnedest not to let this fact bother her.

As the weeks went on they finished the floors in the house, then installed the plumbing and got the electricity to work. Next thing Billie knew it was their first night sleeping there. Granted they were going to be sleeping on camping cots in the empty dining room, but it was still really exciting.

Thorin's family of friends were coming together to celebrate, Lizzy and Fili's Elann promised to come too, Iradessa surprisingly couldn't make it. Thorin said she had to work.

"Work," Kili snorted, "More like she didn't want to get dusty."

"Speaking of weren't you supposed to sweep in here?" Fili asked him.

"I did," Kili said. He waited until his twin had walked away to mutter, "Three weeks ago." Billie who was dumping ice into a cooler full of beer laughed.

"I'll get the broom," she said, standing up. Kili gave her a smile and went back to murdering zombies on his phone. The broom was in the living room where they had taken to storing the tools, Billie couldn't walk under the patched over hole in the ceiling without looking up. She reached out for the broom without looking at it.

"AH!" she cried, pulling her hand back, a large nail came with it, a strand of glue connecting it to the broomstick.

"What is it?!" Thorin asked worriedly, poking his head in from where he was prepping the barbeque on the porch.

"There was a nail on the broom," Billie said, holding out her hand. Fili hearing her cry had come inside and Kili sidled out of the kitchen, they gathered around as Thorin took the nail out of Billie's hand, thankfully it wasn't very deep.

"Our would be assassin?" Kili asked.

"Tame for them," Fili commented.

"Indeed," Thorin frowned, pulling a tube of Neosporin out of his pocket and smearing it into the hole in Billie's palm. Maybe it was a doctor thing but Thorin always seemed to have some sort of medical supplies on him.

"You don't think it was poisoned do you?" Kili asked.

"No," Thorin laughed, pressing a band-aid to the wound.

"Are you sure?" Kili asked, "what if we just don't realize it and she's dying." Thorin rolled his eyes.

"Billie, if you suddenly start foaming at the mouth let one of us know." He instructed, Billie laughed. Kili sighed.

"No one ever takes my suggestions seriously." He pouted. Thorin clapped him on the shoulder, winked at Billie and went back outside. Fili went back to arranging the vegetable trays and Billie followed Thorin outside to fetch the chips.

"Well fine," Kili grumped, leaning up against the wall and pulling out his phone, "I didn't want to talk to you guys anyways."

(…And Then)

"To your new home!" Balin toasted, everyone clinked their beer bottles together, except for pregnant Dori who held a cup of water, she mashed it against everyone's drinks with just as much enthusiasm as the beer drinkers.

Billie collapsed back down onto the porch steps with a happy sigh, watching everybody as they crowded around the impromptu fire pit Bombor had built. Life was good today.

"You sure you should be drinking that?" Thorin stood over her, casting a long shadow over her head, "last time I saw you drink it turned you mean."

"You said I was forgiven!" Billie looked alarmed until Thorin started laughing.

"Relax I'm kidding," he sat down next to her, raising his bottle for a toast, "to new beginnings."

"New beginnings," Billie touched her beer to his, they both took a sip.

"So I've been thinking," Thorin said, turning towards her, "I know you living with us was supposed to be a temporary-ish thing but we've really enjoyed having you these last couple of months, and well… with whoever keeps trying to kill us I know I'd feel better if…" He trailed off.

"What are you saying?" Billie asked.

"I'm saying, I'm asking, would you like to stay? Here, with us, for the foreseeable future."

"You mean keep living with you guys even after I can afford my own place?" Billie couldn't keep the smile off her face. Stay near Thorin? Not to have to leave Fili and Kili who were becoming more like little brothers to her by the day?

"Of course I do!" she said, "How much would you charge me for rent?"

"Rent?" Thorin laughed, "I'm not going to charge you rent."

"Oh," that took the wind out of Billie's sails a little. She wanted to stay, more than anything but, what about her whole independence/grown up journey she was supposed to be embarking on? Thorin saw her face and let out a sigh.

"If it will make you feel better you can…" he wracked his brain for a suitable compromise, "Be in charge of laundry."

"And cleaning," Billie extended her hand, "I'll be in charge of the housework," she smirked, batting her eyelashes in a helpless damsel impersonation, "like a good woman should be." Thorin burst out laughing.

"We'll get you an apron," he grasped her hand. Billie winced, she'd given him the one the nail had pierced. "Oh. Here." Thorin turned her injured palm up and planted a kiss on top of her band-aid. "All better." Seeing her look of delighted-confusion he grinned.

"My mom always did that," he explained.

"Mine too," Billie took another swig of beer to distract herself from his lips. God, she wanted to kiss him. Maybe doing his laundry would make her like him less? Somehow she doubted it. She'd helped Dori fold his clothes before and even the sight of his hole riddled gym socks hadn't made her feelings diminish. In fact it had made them worse, though what was hot about a gym sock was beyond her.

(…And then)

"Last one," Thorin announced, handing her another beer bottle. Everyone else had long since gone home, Fili and Kili were inside, snoring away on their camp beds, the fire had burned down to nothing but Thorin and Billie hadn't moved from the stairs.

"Aw," Billie moaned, "I thought we had more."

"We did," Thorin reminded her, "We just drank them all." Billie looked at all the empty bottles that surrounded them.

"Damn, we're…we're drunk," she giggled.

"You're drunk, I'm fine," Thorin insisted. Billie shook her head, the breeze ruffling her hair felt good, so she kept doing it.

"Nuh uh," she said, between head shakes, "you had more than I did." Thorin caught her head between his hands.

"But, I'm bigger than you," he reminded her. Billie pulled away laughing.

"Everyone is bigger than me," she said. Thorin's phone buzzed in his pocket, he pulled it out and frowned at the screen, pressing the accept button for the video call.

"What?" he asked, holding the phone away from his face.

"Thorin!" Iradessa's horrible voice rent the night, Billie stuck out her tongue involuntarily, "Where are you? You said you'd pick me up for dinner over an hour ago!"

"I'm at my house," Thorin told her thickly, "everyone else was here, you should have been here too. It was a party 'Dessa."

"I told you I had to work -"

"I'm talking to Billie," Thorin interrupted, flashing the screen her way so Iradessa could see her. Ms. Priss looked pissed, Billie waved, "Bye."

"Thorin! Thorin!" Thorin hung up and shoved the phone back into his pocket.

"You're gonna pay for that in the morning," Billie told him. Thorin just shrugged.

"She's always pissed about something."

"Why- ." Billie started, but Thorin's phone rang again cutting her off. He smiled apologetically and took it out, the contact number said Durin, Thorin answered before the first ring had even finished

"Dad?"

Billie straightened her spine, Dad? Why was his Dad calling?

"Grandfather?" Thorin stood up pacing down the gravel drive, "slow down, what happened?"


	11. Sunshine

"Alright, I'll be there soon. Yes…Mhmm, yes. Okay, goodbye." Thorin hung up, his face taunt with worry, Billie stood up.

"What is it?"

Thorin let out a shaky breath, "My father," he said, running a hand through his hair, "my father just had a heart attack." Billie's eyes went wide, she laid a hand on his arm.

"Grandfather says he's started calling for me, I've got to go the home." He started striding towards the house and almost crashed into the porch railing. He leaned his head against it defeated. "I've got to get to New York." He whispered.

"Okay," Billie yanked out her cell phone and punched in a number.

"Who are you calling?" Thorin asked, starting to sit back down on the stairs, Billie grabbed him by the arm and hauled him to his feet.

"Bombor," She said, "you go inside and pack." Thorin stared at her for a second and then tromped up the stairs to do as she said. Bombor picked up on the fourth ring sounding still half asleep.

"Hello?"

"Bombor." Billie launched into an explanation and by the time she was halfway through, Thorin had come back outside. The front of his hair was wet and he had a duffle bag over one shoulder. He'd changed into nicer pants and as she watched whipped off his flannel shirt to pull on one that he had to button, Billie bit her bottom lip as he closed off the sight of his muscular chest one button at a time.

"I'm on my way," Bombor said in her ear. Billie jumped a little and went back to the situation at hand.

"Alright, he's ready for you. Thanks Bombor."

"No problem sweetie, see you soon." Billie hung and Thorin looked up at her from his own phone.

"I just booked a flight that leaves at five in the morning." He said, holding his phone under his chin and tucking his shirt into his pants.

"Bombor will be here to drive you soon." Billie told him, He nodded and they both sank back onto the stairs.

"Are you okay?" Billie asked after about a minute of silence. Thorin sighed, burying his face in his hands.

"I'm not sure," he admitted, looking up at her over the tops of his fingers, "I haven't spoken to my dad in," he paused to do mental calculations, "Nineteen years. He didn't come to Dis' funeral, he wasn't there when the boys turned, well any age really, and now this…" he trailed off, nervously clenching and unclenching his fists, "I don't know how to feel right now."

Billie didn't know what to say, maybe there was nothing she could say. Maybe this was one of those moments where words were useless. She reached out to his tight ball of a fist and grasped it in both of her hands, massaging it open and lacing her fingers through his. Thorin let out a shaking breath, his head hung heavy, his dark hair hid his eyes. They stayed like that until Bombor's headlight's appeared in the driveway. As one they stood up and still holding hands walked to the fry cooks car.

"I'll call you when I get in and let you know what's going on." Thorin said, as he put his bag in the backseat. Billie nodded, they still hadn't let go. Bombor watched them through the tinted window.

"Be safe," she said, forcing herself to pull free, but only so she could wrap her arms around him and then there they stood, holding each other tight. Thorin pressed a kiss against the top of her head.

"Look after the boys for me," he said into her hair, Billie nodded against his chest. Then she made herself pull away, made herself cross her arms and step back as Thorin got into the car. Bombor gave her a little wave as they turned around and drove away.

(…And then)

"Grandpa had a heart attack?" Kili asked over breakfast the next morning, Billie nodded pouring more Coco Krispies into a bowl than was strictly necessary.

"Bombor drove Thorin to the airport," she said, going into the fridge for the milk, "He said he'd call us once he got in."

"Are we going to New York too?" Fili asked, grabbing his fifth slice of toast out of the toaster.

"I'm not sure," Billie said, spooning the chocolatey goodness into her mouth, "We'll just have to wait and see."

"You know every year Grandma sends us Christmas stockings," Kili said, "Full of all the cool things she's found going with Grandpa on business trips that year."

"Really?" Billie asked. The twins nodded, "Has she ever been to visit?" A dual shake of the head.

"The disownment was apparently a really big deal," Fili sighed, "No Durin has dared talk to us since."

"Not even our weird cousin's in Idaho." Kili added, shoving a whole doughnut in his mouth. Billie's phone rang.

"Thorin!" she exclaimed, picking it up, "Hey," she said, into the phone.

"I just got in," Thorin told her, "I'm on my way to the hospital right now. Grandfather sent the car for me."

"He has cars to send?" Billie asked, Thorin laughed.

"I told you they're rich," he reminded her.

"Yeah, but I didn't have a firm grasp on exactly how rich," she said, "are we talking like Donald Trump or Scrooge Mcduck?"

Thorin laughed again, she never wanted to stop making him laugh.

"Listen, we're almost there so I'll call you after I see Dad." Billie smiled.

"Alright, we'll be waiting to hear from you."

"Bye sunshine."

"Bye Thorin." Billie hung up, both Fili and Kili were staring at her. Kili had a look on that could only be described as devilish.

"You're blushing," he told her. Billie put both hands against her cheeks, they were red hot.

"You like him don't you," Kili continued. Fili leaned forward suddenly interested.

"None of your business," Billie insisted, going to the sink to wash out her bowl.

(Meanwhile…)

The car pulled up in front of the hospital, Thorin tried to get out himself but the driver got there first. Damn, for an old man this guy moved fast.

"Thank you Greg," he said.

"I'll wait right here for you Sir," Greg croaked. Thorin strode through the hospital doors, behind him the sounds of the New York City traffic faded as he approached the silver haired man standing stiffly by the front desk.

"Grandfather?" Thorin asked. The man straightened up and looked him up and down severely.

"You look awful," he said, coming forwards, "what they don't have showers in Hickville, USA?" There was a long moment of silence and then the old man's face softened and he wrapped his arms around Thorin.

"It's good to see you again Boy," he said.

"It's good to see you too Grandfather." The older man straightened up and sighed.

"It doesn't look good son," he said, "he's been fading in and out all morning. Calling out for you and your sister in his sleep." Thorin followed him towards the elevators.

"He hasn't woken up at all?" he asked. Thror shook his silver head.

"Your mother is with him," he said, "it'll do her good to see you."

The elevator doors opened and they stepped out into the ICU. An older woman waited in a row of plastic chairs opposite the elevators, she burst into tears upon catching sight of them.

"Thorin!" she cried, running forwards to cling to his jacket, "Oh Thorin!" Thorin folded her into an embrace.

"Hi Mom."

(Meanwhile….)

"THORIN!" Billie was reading on her camp bed when Iradessa came to track her boyfriend down. The irate blonde stormed through the front doors high, heels pounding so hard it was a wonder she didn't go through the newly restored floor.

"He's not here," Billie said, sitting up to glare at her.

"Yet I see you are," Iradessa clomped over to stand in front of her, hands on her shapely hips. "Why are you always here?"

"I live here," Billie stood up too, she stood a good 6 inches shorter than the other girl in those shoes.

"Still?!" Iradessa exclaimed.

"I'm not going anywhere," Billie told her, "Thorin invited me to stay for, what did he say again, oh yeah, for forever."

"Where is he?" Iradessa growled.

"He went home, his father had a heart attack."

"Why didn't he tell me he was going?" Billie shrugged.

"Maybe you didn't cross his mind." Iradessa let out a little hmph! and turned on her heels to stalk away.

"If you hear from him you had better call me!" she said over her shoulder. "Or you'll be sorry you didn't!"

Billie picked up her book again and settled back down to read, "Psychopath," she mumbled to herself.

(…And Then)

Thorin punched in Billie's number on the hospitals phone, he would have used his own but it was dead.

"Hello," she didn't sound half asleep which was surprising given that it was almost three in the morning her time.

"Billie," Thorin tried to keep the shake out of his voice, his Dad had gone in his sleep a half hour before. Thorin hadn't gotten to say goodbye, he hadn't realized how much he wanted to make amends until this moment. He should have tried to keep in contact, even if his father wouldn't have spoken to him, he should have tried.

"Thorin," Billie's voice brought him back to reality, "What is it?"

"Dad's gone," Thorin cleared his throat, "the funeral is in two days. Mom wants the boys to be there. Grandfather booked you all a flight tomorrow at 10."

"Alright, I'll drive them to the airport in the morning."

"He got you a ticket too Billie."

"What? Why?"

"I asked him to, I could really," Thorin cleared his throat again, Billie's heart went out to him, "I could really use a friend right now."

Billie's throat went tight, oh Thorin, she wanted to hold him close and let him cry as he was clearly trying not to, she found herself nodding.

"Okay, We'll be there soon. I'm- ," her throat constricted even more, "I'm so sorry Thorin." Thorin rested his forehead against the wall.

"Thank you," he said, rubbing the back of his wrist across his streaming eyes, "I'll – I'll meet you guys at the airport alright?"

"Okay, see you then. Bye Thorin."

"Bye."

(…And Then)

"We're flying first class?" Billie asked, looking at the ticket she held in amazement.

"Apparently Great-Grandpa doesn't skimp," Kili said appreciably. They stood by the security line waiting for Fili to finish saying goodbye to Elann, the way they were carrying on you would have thought he was going off to war, not to his grandfather's funeral.

"Will you get a move on!" Kili grumbled as the couple kissed for the eighth time, "He'll be back in a week!" Billie laughed and then to her horror saw a familiar blonde figure coming towards them rolling a bright pink carryon suitcase.

"Oh no," she whispered, "Please don't be her. Please don't be her."

It was her.

"What, are you doing here?" Iradessa asked, coming to a halt right in front of them. Kili's grin turned demented, Billie could only imagine what hell he could cause for this nut bag on a plane, actually that was a lie. Her mind couldn't match his madness. She decided to try and set a good example.

"We're on our way to Thorin's father's funeral," she said. Even though A: Duh, and B: Given Iradessa's reaction that had been a rhetorical question.

"I know what they are doing here," she said pointing to Kili and Fili who had come over with Elann still in tow, "but why are you here?"

"Thorin asked me to come."

"Well you aren't needed," Iradessa told her, "I'm going. So I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Did Uncle Thorin ask you to come?" Kili asked. Iradessa rolled her eyes.

"No, but I'm his girlfriend, of course I'm going to go be there for him."

"Sounds to me like he doesn't want you to hold that title anymore, he just doesn't know how to tell you it's over." Kili pointed out. He started to push Billie and Fili towards security.

"Who asked you, you little turd?" Iradessa cut in front of them, never noticing that Kili took this as an opportunity to shove a pair of travel scissors into her back pocket. Then a zippo lighter and an unmarked bottle of clear fluid into her carryon front pocket.

"Bye Fili!" Elann called. Fili turned around to blow kisses at her.

"Love you!" he called, Elann beamed at him.

"I love you too!" Kili rolled his eyes up to the skylights above them.

"Please shoot me now," he begged the heavens.

(…And then)

Thorin was waiting with the car outside the airport. He hugged both the boys tight and then Billie. She studied his face as he helped put their bags in the trunk, he looked like he hadn't slept since he left.

"Thorin!" Iradessa came storming towards him looking rumpled and furious. Billie supposed she would have been upset too if she had been subjected to a full body search at the hands of the TSA. Kili started giggling madly.

"Iradessa?" Thorin looked confused, "What are you doing here?" Iradessa turned a shade or two lighter than her suitcase.

"What do you mean what am I doing here?" She put her arms around his neck, Billie clenched her fists. "I'm here for you." Thorin detangled himself from her grasp, Kili's giggles got more hyena-like.

"We have to be getting to my mom's place," he said, edging towards the car, "Thank you for coming but it really wasn't necessary." He herded Billie and the boys into the vehicle and started to shut the door.

"Wait!" Iradessa called, but it was too late. They were already driving off. Kili dissolved into full out melt down laughter. Fili smiled at his uncle.

"Smooth," he commented. Billie suppressed a grin. Thorin leaned his head back against the seat and sighed.


	12. What has this Vixen Done to Me?

"Mom," Thorin called, "We're here." A small woman rounded the corner, she had Thorin's eyes and dark hair, but hers was shot through with streaks of silver. She looked like one of those ladies who like to spend all Saturday at the country club. Well if those ladies dressed in a flowing, pink robes and carried around travel mugs full of what smelled like rum.

"Fili? Kili?" Thorin's mom's eyes filled with tears, "Look at you! You're both so handsome!" She wrapped her arms around the stunned twin's necks. "My grandbabies! All tall and grown up!"

"Hi Grandma," Kili said, ducking out from her embrace, "How's the sauce treating you?" Billie elbowed him in the side.

"Oh this?" Thorin's mom held up her mug and winked at him, "this is a magic potion darling, for my nerves. There's more in the fridge if you want a nip."

"No," Thorin said firmly, grabbing Kili by the collar as he started towards the kitchen. The brunette's face fell, Billie disguised a laugh as a cough.

"And who is this young lady?" Thorin's mom said, finally releasing Fili who stepped back so both his brother and his uncle were between him and this crazy relative.

"I'm Billie Ma'am," Billie said, bobbing her head a little in a half curtsying gesture, Thorin's mom did not look like a hand-shaker.

"Madeline," Thorin's mom said, bobbing her own head, "would you like a drink dear?"

"Um- ."

"Billie's had a long flight Mom," Thorin started, "she probably wants to rest - ."

"Oh pish," Madeline said, threading her arm through Billie's, "A drink is just what she needs. Now, you take the suitcases up to the rooms Thorin, I'd have Gregory do it, but his knees are not what they used to be." She turned to the twins, "He is still quite the chef and is at this moment preparing dinner, but if you want a little snack beforehand I'm sure he could whip you something up." Fili and Kili were already heading towards the kitchen.

"Come along dear," Madeline lead Billie into the front parlor were a truly impressive amount of alcohol was displayed on a built in bar.

"Woah," Billie exclaimed. Madeline set down her mug and turned to her sharply.

"Stand up straight for a moment," she ordered, "let me have a look at you." She walked around Billie in a slow circle like a vulture targeting roadkill. Billie wished she had worn something other than her jeans and sneakers. At least her shirt didn't have a Captain America logo on it or anything. It was actually one of her nicer ones, something she had picked up for work a few weeks ago while shopping with Lizzy.

"Thank God, you aren't a twig, like that other girl that Thorin sent me a picture of a few Christmases back. I could have broken her with my bare hands, blonde bimbo that she was." Billie got the feeling she knew who Madeline was referring to. "And you seem intelligent, Thorin tells me you read often."

"Yes ma'am, but -" Billie wanted to explain about her and Thorin being "just friends", but his mom cut her off.

"Madeline, dear. I'm not going to eat you, you understand, I just want to know a little bit more about you. I haven't really spoken to my son in almost 20 years and now he brings you to his father's - ." she broke off with a gulp, her eyes filling up with tears again. Hastily, she took a drink from her mug.

"I'm so sorry for your loss Madeline," Billie said, laying a hand on Thorin's mom's arm. The older woman gave her a watery smile.

"Thorin's father never forgave him for supporting his sister after she got pregnant," she said, sinking onto one of the couches, "but I never understood why it was such a surprise. Those two were thick as thieves from the moment Driscella was born."

"Driscella?"

"Dis was her nickname," Madeline explained, taking another fortifying gulp, "I refused to name such a pretty girl after one of those ugly stepsisters in Cinderella, but it was my mother-in-laws name and I was high on pain killers and next thing I knew, that is what she was legally called." Billie chuckled.

"She was always such a good girl," Madeline explained, "had her father wrapped around her little finger and then she fell in with that Frenir and next thing we knew," she sighed, "I told Thrain we could have raised the boys, pretended they were a late pregnancy, but he would have none of it." Her lower lip started trembling, "It seems so stupid now that they are both gone." Billie put a hand on her knee.

With a sniff Madeline stood up and went to the bar, "I refuse to continue drinking alone. What will you have dear?"

"Do you have any beer?" Billie asked. Madeline sniffed.

"Beer is a loutish drink. You're not a lout are you?" Billie wasn't sure how to respond, she also wasn't entirely sure what lout meant. Madeline continued without needing her answer.

"I certainly hope you aren't or my son will have a lot of explaining to do," she scanned the various bottles, and pulled one out with an exclamation of triumph. "Aha! Here we are, vodka!"

"Thorin and I are just friends," Billie interjected not knowing when she'd get another chance to say this. Thorin's mom glanced up at her as she proceeded to create her a concoction, "I probably should have pointed that out earlier." Madeline rolled her eyes and handed her a beverage, just smelling it made Billie's eyes water.

"If my son talked about all of his friends like he talks about you I would wonder about his sexuality. Don't be naïve dear, it is beneath you." Billie once again was at a loss for words. To cover the silence, she took a sip of her drink and nearly spat it back out. It tasted like fire.

"Strong," she croaked. Madeline grinned.

"That's the way a lady drinks them dear. Especially when she is going to be forced to listen to conversations about the stock market all evening. In fact I was sipping a drink very much like that the night I met Thorin's father - ."

(...And Then)

"How long are we going to leave Billie at Grandma's mercy?" Kili asked, leaning against the counter watching as Thorin stirred a pot of sauce. Greg pulled the lamb chops from the oven and inserted a meat thermometer.

"I've been trying to come up with a decent excuse." He explained, he paused mid-stir to turn to both of his nephews, "Would one of you be willing to fake choke on a pickle?"

"How is the sauce coming, Master Thorin?" Greg rasped.

"It's looking delicious Greg," Fili said, stealing the spoon from his uncle and giving the pot a vigorous stir. Kili pushed him towards the drawing room.

"Go save her!" he growled, "She's been in there for forty minutes. They could have reached the branding part of the cult ceremony by now!" Thorin forced his legs to start walking, he could hear his mother's voice echoing down the hallway. He'd forgotten how much his mom could talk. Oh poor Billie, he was a terrible person. Guilt dribbled into his stomach as he rounded the corner.

"- And then he said, "Maddi, you vixen, what have you done to me?!" And he wasn't able to move for a good ten minutes!" Thorin watched as his mom slapped her own knee and rolled about in a silent fit of laughter. Billie, on the other hand, looked horrified and took a long draw from her glass.

"Thorin!" she cried joyfully upon spotting him. She jumped up and rushed forwards, "Is dinner ready?"

"Almost," Thorin said, His mom stood up shakily and pranced towards them. She always had moved like a ballerina.

"You have a great little woman here," Madeline said, wrapping an arm around Billie's neck. Billie grimaced as she planted a smeary, lipstick kiss on her cheek. Thorin bit the inside of his lip to keep from laughing.

"I'm not his woman. Remember Madeline," Billie said. Madeline paid her no notice, turning her affections, as they were, onto her long lost son.

"I'm so glad you're here Thorin," she gushed, planting a lipstick smear on his cheek as well. "I've missed you so much." She held him tight, sniffling a little into his shirt front.

"I missed you too Mom," Thorin said, returning her hug.

"Oh," Madeline pushed herself away, "Not again." She dabbed at the corner of her eyes with the sleeve of her robe and frowned at the resultant mascara residue.

"Well this won't do at all," she announced, "I must go freshen my make-up. Please tell Gregory I'll join you all shortly at the table." She squeezed Thorin's arm one last time and then floated up the stairs. Billie sagged with relief.

"Your mom has been telling me about her sex life with your father for the past half an hour." She said, "Why did you leave me alone in there?!"

"Sorry," Thorin laughed. Billie glared at him and he tried his hardest to stop smiling. God, she was cute when she was pissed. She tried to shove past him, but he caught her by the wrist.

"Really," he said, half laughing, half trying to stop, "I'm sorry, it's been a really long couple of days and I've suffered through four similar conversations with her."

Billie raised an eyebrow, "She's talked to you about their sex life?" she said disbelievingly.

Thorin nodded, "around drink number six or so I learned how much she was going to miss his penis." A grin cut through Billie's scowl.

"I learned that practically right out of the gate." She let out a sigh. "Fine, you are forgiven, but only because I realize this is a difficult time for you."

"It is," Thorin nodded. He brushed her cheek with his thumb, "you've got- ," his mom had left a perfect impression of her lips right next to Billie's dimple. "lipstick."

"Oh seriously," Billie tried to wipe it away but it wasn't going anywhere. It must have been that long lasting kind. Thorin licked his thumb and tried to scrub at it, but Billie squirmed away from him.

"Ew! Don't, Mom-in-a-restaurant me!" She licked her own thumb and came at him with it, "How do you like it?!" Thorin laughed, pushing her hand away, she jumped up and scored a hit on his forehead. He grabbed her around the waist and flipped her over his shoulder, she squealed in protesting laughter.

"Thorin! Let me down!" Thorin set her down and she rained a series of little slaps across his chest, he grabbed both of her hands, threading his fingers through hers.

"Jerk," she said, trying to wiggle free.

"Hey," Fili said from behind them, they turned around still connected like they were playing London's bridge. "Dinner's ready."

"Okay, we'll be there in a second," Thorin said, Fili nodded and left. Billie made to go after him but Thorin held tight to her hands.

"Hey," he said, the mirth fading from his face, "I'm really glad you're here."

"Are you doing okay?" Billie asked and then winced at her own question, "Sorry, that was a dumb question." She sighed, "I never know what to say at times like this." Thorin smiled, releasing her hands so he could pull her into a hug.

"Just you being here is enough Sunshine. You don't have to say anything."

(…And Then)

The family and Billie woke the day of the funeral and dressed in their black ensembles, Thorin's mom was drunk before breakfast, as was his Aunt Gloria who showed up to, "offer moral support," but Billie guessed she just had wanted more whiskey and hadn't wanted to pay for it.

They rode to the church in the black town car that had picked them up from the airport, Billie had been informed that it was in fact the family's car and the ageing Greg was their servant of many years. Thorin's mom referred to him as her man Gregory, which was confusing until Thorin explained that was just what his Mom's set called their manservants.

The church was packed with mourners, swarms and swarms of people in black. Thorin's grandfather lead the procession down the aisle, followed by Thorin, Madeline holding his arm, Fili and Kili flanked them and last of all came Billie, feeling very out of place. She wasn't family, she should have been sitting in the back.

Thror sat at the edge of the row, the twins took their seats and Thorin helped Madeline into hers, then he and Billie sat next to each other. The casket was open on the platform before them. Thorin's father looked very much like him, his proud nose, the set of his mouth and suddenly Billie flashed into a horrible alternate reality. In which she was in Madeline's shoes, knowing that the empty shell in front of her used to be the love of her life. Knowing that they would never laugh together again, he would never hold her close, without thinking about why she reached for Thorin's hand. He brushed his thumb over her knuckles reassuringly. There was a swell of organ music and the priest took his place behind the pulpit.

"Family and friends," he began in a loud, clear voice, "welcome. We are gathered here today, to celebrate the life of Thrain Durin -," None of what he said after that point really registered with Billie, not having known the dead man he was talking about, but she thought it all sounded…nice? As he spoke, Thorin's grip on her hand grew tighter and tighter. She knew he was supposed to give a eulogy at some point, she squeezed back in what she hoped was a gesture of comfort.

Another organ solo shook the floorboards and then the priest was calling Madeline and Thorin forwards, one last squeeze and they mounted the steps.

"Thank you Father Dominic," Madeline said, "My husband always hated coming to church, but he liked you. He called you the not-as-stupid-one." Behind her Thorin went pink, the gathered crowd was silent, not knowing whether to laugh or not. "Which from him was high praise," Madeline went on, oblivious to her son's discomfort. She laughed a little, "Oh that man, he was a character wasn't he? A good, honest, noble man, but that temper of his." She broke off to laugh a little more, "the trouble it got him into."

The mourners murmured their agreement, Billie could see the tears starting to drip down Madeline's face but her voice did not waver, "I could stand up here and go on about how wonderful he was, and while it's true I loved him, I hardly know what I'm going to do without him, you all knew him too and the truth was he could be kind of an asshole." Thorin's face grew brighter pink, the crowd decided it was in fact okay to laugh.

"But you're all here anyways," Madeline continued, "and I'm hoping that means that you all saw past his asshole-ish-ness. That you all, despite his tendency to be rude and way too honest, loved him just as much as I did." She pulled out a tissue and dabbed at her eyes, "God, if he could see us all carrying on like this he'd say, "What a bunch of fakers. You know they're secretly happy the old bat is dead; they're just upset that they weren't in the will." The crowd chuckled some more. "Well he is one old bat I truly am going to miss." She pulled a flask out of her sleeve and raised it up high, Thorin's cheeks went as red as a stoplight, "To Thrain!" his mother said, taking a hearty swig.

"Here, here!" Aunt Gloria called from row four. There was much rustling and murmuring as Thorin guided Madeline back down the steps. After a pause Father Dominic retook the stand to offer closing remarks. Billie glanced at Thorin as he retook his seat.

"What happened to your speech?" she wanted to ask, but didn't.

(…And Then)

The wake was held at the country club, Billie had never seen so many sloshed old people in her life. Children ran underfoot of the milling crowd, hiding under tables and hording chocolates and cheese cubes in their pockets.

"That was quite the eulogy Grandma," Kili said, consuming five lobster puffs at once.

"Your grandfather would have liked you," she told him, "plenty of sarcasm, just enough wit." Kili grinned obviously pleased.

Thorin had wandered away some time ago, Billie looked around the room but couldn't find him. Making her excuses she grabbed a drink from the bar and went to look in the back rooms.

(…Meanwhile)

"Coward," Thorin mentally cursed himself, "giant baby." He hadn't been able to do it, he'd looked out at the sea of people and hadn't been able to say anything. Not that the speech he'd written was really all that great to begin with, but he could have made an effort. Even a, "Thanks for coming to my father's death party," would have been something. He took a sip of his brandy, staring out the window to the manicured lawn of the golf course.

"Thorin?"

Billie? Thorin turned around eagerly to see that not only was he a chicken, he also apparently had horrible voice recognition skills. Iradessa emerged from the shadows, Thorin stifled a groan.

"I thought you'd gone home," he said, leaning against the wall.

"How could I?" Iradessa sashayed over to him, he resisted the urge to slide away from her, "It was your father's funeral. I knew you'd need support." She moved to kiss him and this time Thorin really did slide away from her. She narrowed her perfectly plucked eyebrows.

"Okay, what is with you?!" she demanded, stomping one stiletto heel, "You've been avoiding me for weeks! I flew all the way out here to help you through this and you left me standing on the corner at LaGuardia."

Thorin sighed internally, "Be a man," he thought to himself, "be a man."

"Look Dessa," he started, "I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you lately, but I just haven't been sure how to tell you this –

"It's that Billie girl isn't it!" Iradessa started breathing hard through her nose like an enraged bull, "You like her don't you? And now you are going to dump me to get with her!"

"No," Thorin tried to explain, "That's not why I'm breaking up with you, I mean I do like Billie, a lot, in fact I think I might be falling in lo – Iradessa's scream of outrage cut him off.

"I knew it!" she shrieked, "from the moment you introduced me to that Shirley Temple wannabe I knew there was something between you! Why did you bring me back into your life if you were already involved with someone else?!"

"I wasn't involved with her I just-

"Don't give me your excuses!" Iradessa cut him off again, she advanced on him, almost the same height as he was in her heels. Thorin backpedaled rapidly until he was pressed against the wall, "Don't you understand Thorin? We are meant for each other! It's destiny!"

"Um," Thorin managed, "Disagree."

"No!" Iradessa shouted so loudly Thorin was shocked the window didn't crack, "This is not happening! You are not ending this! You are not ending us!"

"Yes I am!" Thorin shouted back.

"NO!" Iradessa removed one of her stilettos and lobbed it at his head, he ducked and it thudded against the wall. "NO! NO! Noooooo!" Just at that moment, who should walk into the room, but Billie, holding a drink and looking confused. Iradessa rounded on her and hissed like an angry cat.

"You!" she bellowed, taking off her other heel, Thorin caught her arm before she could chuck it.

"Enough!" he said. Iradessa glared at him and then at Billie, before shrugging herself free of his grasp, "this is not over!" she promised, "We belong together Thorin, remember that!" and leaving her other shoe where it lay she stalked from the room.

"What the actual fuck?" Billie said, watching her disappear around the corner. She turned back to Thorin who was using the wall to hold himself up, "Are you okay?"

Thorin didn't know if it was the brandy in his hand, or the fact that he had just faced down a she-demon, but in his head kept echoing the words, "Be a man Thorin, be a man." And so he did something he normally would have spent weeks getting up the guts to do, he heaved himself off the wall, walked over to Billie Baggins and kissed her, right on the lips.


	13. This had to be Another Dream

For a moment Billie was in shock. This had to be another dream, Thorin cupped her face with both of his hands, the insides of her eyelids were a fireworks show, somewhere in the background a hallelujah choir had started up.

Oh, fuck it, if this was a dream she was going to make it a damn good one.

She slid her arms around his neck standing on her tiptoes kissing him back for all she was worth.

Thorin gave an impatient growl and slipped his hands under her knees, holding her high against him as he walked towards the fainting couch placed by the window. He sank down onto the faux velvet Billie held tightly in his lap.

She kissed down his jaw and back pausing to nibble at his earlobe. God he smelled good, how had she resisted this for so long? Thorin's lips blazed a trail across her throat to the neckline of her dress, Billie sucked in a breath. His hand came up to cup one of her breasts, her head fell back, she moaned, completely lost in ecstasy. Her drink glass slipped through her fingers to fall to the carpet with a thud.

The noise seemed to wake both of them up to the fact that they were in front of a window, that anyone could walk by and see what they were doing. Billie was almost to the point of not caring. It wasn't like she knew any of these people, but Thorin did and he probably didn't want all his mother's friends talking about that time he screwed a girl in Salon # 3 at the clubhouse. She made herself pull away slightly.

Thorin was breathing hard, so was she now that she thought about it, he trailed a hand up and down her back, gray eyes locked with hazel.

"So, in case I didn't just make it obvious," Billie's mouth started saying before her brain realized it wanted to talk. "I like you, a lot. I've liked you for a while now and I'm really hoping this isn't another dream, because the liking of you only got worse after the first one- Thorin pressed another kiss upon her, cutting off her babble.

"I like you too," he told her when they came up for air, "I've liked you from the day I sewed your head back together." Billie laughed.

"Bleeding girls, who puke all over the backseat of your car really do it for you, huh?"

Thorin smiled, "In your case defiantly."

(…And Then)

The house was finally quiet. Billie threw back her covers and padded as silently as possible into the hallway. Thorin's door was ajar and she slipped inside like a ghost in polka dot pajama's.

Thorin was a lump under his blankets. Billie's heart sped up, she could not believe she was doing this. She pushed the door shut with a soft click.

By the time they had rejoined the others Billie's lips were numb and she was up so high nothing was ever going to bring her down. All throughout the rest of the wake and then the car ride home she just sat there, grinning like an idiot. Madeline went to bed shortly after they got back, everyone else retired to their rooms too. Thorin throwing her a wink before he disappeared behind his door, she would have been over there hours ago but the twins were still up, playing video games from the sound of it. At least random cries of, "Get that troll!" kept echoing down the hall and Greg was puttering around, putting the house in order.

Billie wasn't particularly opposed to the others knowing about her and Thorin, she just, well, it was so new and what would the boys say? Would they be happy? True, they had hated Iradessa, but who wouldn't have hated Iradessa? That didn't mean they were going to like her being with their uncle. Billie didn't want to destroy this thing before it had even started.

Peeling back his blankets, Billie slipped into Thorin's bed, snuggling up next to him, kissing his scratchy cheek.

"Billie?" Thorin whispered. Billie crawled on top of him, straddling him, bracing herself against his chest. Thorin opened his eyes and seeing her smiled.

"Hey, Sunshine."

Billie rocked forward and the grin turned wicked, quick as a wink he had her pinned beneath him, both her wrists held tight over her head in one of his large hands. His lips found hers, his other hand edged under the hem of her shirt, Billie forgot how to breathe.

"You're beautiful, you know that?" Thorin whispered in her ear, pushing her shirt up inch by inch. Billie pulled her wrists free, burying her hands in his hair as his hot mouth descended onto her burning flesh.

"Thorin," she breathed.

(…And Then)

Morning sunlight filtered through Billie's curls lighting them with golden fire, Thorin looked down at her sleeping against his chest and felt better than he could remember feeling in…a very long time. What was it about her that made him completely at peace?

Billie stirred and blinked her hazel eyes open, seeing him looking down at her she smiled.

"Good morning," she whispered.

"Hey," Thorin let his lips linger over hers. "How'd you sleep?"

"Fantastically," she slid out of bed and stretched, the blinds casting dappled shadows over her heart shaped backside. Thorin watched appreciatively as she picked his T-shirt up off the floor and pulled it over her head.

"Mine all mine," he thought. Billie padded back over to him, planting a kiss along his jaw. A mark showed dark on her collarbone, Thorin felt the rawness on his back where her nails had punctured his skin.

"Want to go get coffee?" Billie asked, shaking him out of his memories of last night. Thorin nodded grinning, he stood up to get dressed, but Billie took one look at his naked form and pushed him right back down, he laughed quietly.

"I thought we were going to get coffee." He protested as she sank to her knees in front of him.

"In few minutes," Billie said, laying her head against his thigh, he stroked her curls back, "Or half an hour, or possibly we'll just wait till Greg wakes up and make him make us some." She took him in her mouth, Thorin bit down on his lip to keep from crying out.

"Hey Uncle Thorin I'm going to walk to Star- AAAAAAH!" Just as quickly as he had opened the door Kili slammed it shut, Thorin let out a curse. Billie turned bright ass red and stared up at him horror struck.

Thorin hurriedly found his pants and pulled them on as cries of, "What was that?" and "What is going on?" echoed from his mother's bedroom.

"Shit!" Billie said, mortified she scooped her pajamas up off the floor and ran for her room, Thorin followed her out into the hall. Kili poked his head out of the bathroom where he'd been hiding.

"I am now scarred for life." He announced. Thorin made shushing gestures and slid into the room with him.

"I will pay you 100 bucks to never mention this again." He said.

"200," Kili negotiated, "I've got scars now, remember?" Thorin held out a hand for his nephew to shake, Kili took it.

"Done."

"So," Kili's shit eating grin slowly slid back onto his face, " you and Billie, huh?"

Thorin couldn't help but smile, "If she can ever look at me again, then yes." Kili pumped his fist into the air.

"Took you long enough," he said, "I had bet going with Dori. I said you'd be together by the end of the month and she said it would take all summer."

"You were betting on us getting together?" Thorin couldn't decide whether to be mad or not. The thought of Billie and him together kept making him smile, anger was too difficult of an emotion right now.

"What is going on in here?" Madeline appeared in the doorway, looking disheveled, "Some sort of Sunday morning rave I missed the memo on?"

"Sorry Mom," Thorin said, "We'll keep it down."

"Well I'm up now," Madeline said, throwing her hands in the air, "I may as well have Gregory start breakfast." She floated down the stairs.

"Oh sweet," Kili went to follow her, but Thorin stopped him.

"Remember," he warned, "not a word!"

"Yeah, yeah, I am a vault." Kili shoved past him, "Fee! Bacon!" he shouted before taking the steps four at a time. Fili stumbled out of their room wearing an inside out shirt and followed him.

"Yum, bacon!" he said as he passed. Thorin waited until he had disappeared from sight before he went into Billie's room. She was sitting on her bed holding her red face in her hands.

"I will never be able to look Kili in the eye again," she mumbled. Thorin sat down next to her, laughing.

"Don't worry I paid him off, he has promised to pretend it didn't happen."

"That doesn't mean it didn't," Billie looked up at him intently, "and every time he looks at me that is all he's going to see!"

Thorin just kept on laughing, "Kili? Come on! In a couple of months he won't even remember this happened, he'll be too busy finding new ways to torment his teachers." Billie didn't look convinced so he took both of her hands in his.

"I promise, don't worry, okay?" Billie sighed, nodding ever so slightly. Thorin kissed the top of her head.

"He seemed happy we were finally together," he told her. This news made her look up.

"He did?" Thorin nodded.

"He seemed really excited about it actually. Apparently he and Dori had a bet going." Billie still looked anxious

"Really? Because I was afraid they were going to have a problem with us." She said worriedly, "I know how much you love them Thorin and if they're unhappy it'll make you unhappy and then you'll break up with me and then I'll be forced to drink a lot and then I'll get fat- Thorin cut her off with a kiss. Billie blinked at him as they pulled apart, her lips still slightly pursed.

"You worry too much," he said. "Fili and Kili love you."

"I guess," Billie still looked unsure.

"No, really, they do," Thorin stood up, pulling her up with him. "Now let's get dressed and go have breakfast and then we can pack up and go home."

"We're leaving today?"

Thorin grinned, "The bedroom door back home locks," he explained, Billie laughed.

(….And Then)

"Oh Thorin," Madeline said as he and Billie entered the kitchen, "I need to go over some of your fathers business things with you today. His partners are coming over later to discuss terms with us."

"What would they need me for?" Thorin asked confused.

"I couldn't say dear," Madeline said, banging on the end of her soft boiled egg with a spoon, "They just told me to make sure you were here when they came."

Thorin wrinkled his brow, "Alright." He smiled at Billie apologetically, who squeezed his hand under the table in reply.

"It's no big deal," she mouthed. Thorin slid his hand up her thigh, she shot him a dirty look and scooted away. Kili raised an eyebrow at them. Billie caught his eye and turned red again, immediately engaging with Madeline about the weather.

Thorin smiled into his toast.

(…And Then)

Thorin could barely remember Thrain's business partners from Christmas parties at the offices when he was small, but as far as he could tell they hadn't changed at all. They were still a group of old, stuffy men who had never done anything they weren't supposed to in their lives. He stopped listening midway through their business babble, instead his mind was upstairs. Billie and the boys were playing Mario Kart on the old Nintendo 64 he'd left here, maybe he could sneak in a few games with them before it was time to go home.

"Thorin!" Madeline poked him sharply in the shoulder.

"Ow!" Thorin jerked out of his thoughts, all the business partners were glaring at him.

"Curtis was trying to tell you your father's wishes for the company," Madeline reproached him, "pay attention!"

"Sorry," Thorin said to the group as he wasn't sure which one Curtis was, they all looked eerily similar. The one in the middle cleared his throat.

"As I was saying," he began, "Your father made it very clear to us that he wished the company to stay in the family, you and your sister are both written as successors in his will."

"He didn't change that after we left?" Thorin interrupted. Curtis gave him the stink eye.

"No, and as he had no other children and your sister is now deceased it seems that the mantel of responsibility is to be passed onto you –

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Thorin cut in, "I'm not taking over Dad's company, are you joking? I'm already a doctor, I've got a job, a career I worked hard for-

"Let the man finish Thorin." Madeline said.

"You can choose to decline of course," Curtis went on, maybe his face just always looked like that? " Your cousin Gloin already works with the company and has expressed interest in this leadership opportunity –

"Gloin," Thorin said, standing up, "great choice. Well, glad we got that cleared up – Madeline yanked him back down into his seat.

"Let. The. Man. Finish." She hissed between closed teeth.

"But you really should think this over," Curtis went on, "it is not only an incredible honor, but would offer financial security to you for the rest of your life, as well as the same to any children you might have in the future." Thorin ground his back teeth.

"We'll give you some time to consider." Curtis said standing up, the rest of the committee followed suit, "but we would like a reply from you in no less than 36 hours." Thorin opened his mouth to say there was no need for that, that he had already decided, but Madeline dug her finger nails into his arm giving him a look that clearly said, be quiet!

"Thank you gentlemen," she said. Greg appeared to usher them out the door. Once they were alone Thorin ripped his arm away.

"Mom!" he complained, "What was that for? You know I'm not going to take the job!"

"You won't even consider it Thorin?" Madeline pleaded, "Think of my grandbabies! Think of sweet little Billie! Wouldn't she be happier never having to worry about money again?"

"Billie doesn't care about things like that."

Madeline sighed, "No, I suppose she doesn't, but think on it Thorin, please. Promise me you'll at least weigh the pros and cons before you turn the offer down." Her eyes were huge and starting to fill with tears.

"Alright," Thorin heard himself say, "I'll consider it."


	14. A Bump in the Night

_Author's note: Hey guys, sorry for the long time between uploads. Work/life craziness, you know how it goes, but I should be back to a fairly decent schedule now and hopefully you all stick with me as we move towards the last quarter of this tale._

 _Thanks for your patience._

 _Enjoy Chapter Fourteen,_

 _TotheSky_

Thorin pushed open the door to the twin's room, his nephews sat on either side of Billie focused intently on creaming each other at Mario Kart.

"Eat my pixels Yoshi!" Fili laughed. Billie, who was apparently playing Yoshi let out of curse and dropped her controller into her lap.

"Come on Auntie you can still come in second!" Kili encouraged her, Billie shot him a glare.

"Dude, why do you keep calling her that?" Fili asked, Thorin stepped into the room and all three of them looked up.

"What did the suits want?" Kili asked.

"Nothing," Thorin lied, "just some business stuff. Billie, can I talk to you for a second?" Billie scrambled upright, behind her Kili smirked.

"You just lost yourself ten dollars young man," Thorin told him as he ushered Billie into the hall.

"What?!" Kili shouted indignantly, "Aw, come on, that's not fair! I didn't say anything! Uncle Thorin!" But Thorin just threw him a look and shut the door.

"He's been calling me Auntie all day," Billie said, once they were safely enclosed in her room.

"Then he has forfeited his right to the afore agreed on monetary gain, due to his breaking the terms of the agreement," Billie laughed at the absurdness of his wording. Thorin sat on the bed and pulled her onto his lap, kissing her deeply.

"So what did they want?" Billie asked when they came up for air.

"Amazingly," Thorin said, "my father never changed the written documents stating that he wanted either me or Dis to take over the company."

"What?" Billie pulled back a little. "Why?"

"I don't know, but that was what they wanted to tell me. Apparently I'm next in line to run the Durin Group, well me or cousin Gloin."

"You have a cousin named Gloin?" Billie raised an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Seriously? Gloin?"

"Not the point." Thorin reminded her. Billie forced the smile to slide off her face.

"Right, sorry. So what did you tell them?"

"I told them no thank you," Thorin said, Billie's smile started creeping back. "But Mom was insistent that I _think_ about it."

The smile disappeared again. "Oh." Billie slid off his lap onto the mattress, Thorin stood up and began pacing.

"I mean it's not like I want the job, I have a job, I have a life. When I left 19 years ago that was supposed to be the end of any discussion about me and the company." Billie watched him walk, back and forth, back and forth like a tennis match. "And now Mom's all, think about it." He continued, "What's there to think about? Just because it would make Mom happy, that's no reason to-to-to-."

"Sell out?" Billie offered. Thorin snapped his fingers.

"Yes, thank you, to sell out. Mom is going to be fine even if I don't take this job, not wanting to disappoint someone is no reason to make myself miserable. Just because we haven't really been in contact for almost two decades doesn't mean I suddenly have to do everything that she wants." Billie couldn't take his pacing for another second, she jumped up and stopped him, both hands against his chest. Thorin hung his head, apparently exhausted from his bout of over-thinking.

"Sorry," he mumbled. Affection clogged Billie's throat, God, she loved this man. He was so good. Too good for someone like her and yet her chaos seemed to draw him in not push him away, he wrapped her up in a hug, burying his face in her curls. Billie pressed her cheek against his chest.

They stood like that, swaying on the spot, like they were slow dancing. Thorin finally broke away but it was only to cup her face and kiss her again, slowly, deeply. Billie couldn't remember anyone else kissing her like this, couldn't remember wanting to kiss them back so badly.

It was like how they depicted people getting addicted to drugs on TV. Billie felt free, free and loose and brighter than a shooting star, she would have gladly given up all of her money and stopped eating if it meant that Thorin was going to keep kissing her forever.

Somehow, Billie wasn't sure, they were on the bed again, she was underneath him, his whole hard, muscled frame pressing down on her.

"The door," she whispered, because she was not going through that again.

"Locked," he whispered back.

Was that ever the magic word.

Their hands scrambled at each other's clothes. Billie wanted to leave something of hers on, put a sheet with a hole in it over herself, Thorin was so beautiful and she was so…not. It was harder to be this way in the light of day, brazen, the kind of girl who didn't let her insecurities stop her.

But how she wanted him, she wanted Thorin. Thorin with her, Thorin inside her, just Thorin, to have and to hold. She fumbled with the zipper of his pants and felt the part of him she most wanted to hold most at that moment fall into her hand.

Thorin moaned as she stroked him, burying his face in the hollow between her breasts. His lips grazed over one nipple and Billie's head fell back against the comforter, his hand sought out the other one pinching and rolling it between his fingers.

"You're so soft," he murmured against her skin, fingers trailing reverently down her stomach continuing down to skim over her thigh. His kisses rained down upon her flesh, lower and lower until his breath burned fiery against the patch of curls between her legs.

"Mine," he growled, flicking his tongue against her clit. Billie let out a cry.

"Yours," she agreed breathlessly, and then he was inside her, filling her completely, her hips bucked up to meet his. Pins and needles shot against every one of her nerve endings. Every thrust causing wave after wave of pleasure to crest upon her. She dug her nails into his perfect ass, pulling him closer, wanting him deeper. Thorin's mouth found hers again, seeking, tasting and with one final cry Billie broke.

She detached from her body, floating up towards the ceiling, then through the roof, out of the atmosphere to mingle with the stars, a thin thread was all that was stopping her from disappearing into the black. The thread was the rapid hammering of her heart and as it slackened she slowly drifted back down.

Thorin was sprawled out on top of her again, his own climax must have happened while she was somewhere out in space. She wiggled out from under him, both of them adjusting until they lay comfortably spooned together. Thorin pushed the curls off her neck so he could press a kiss there, he kept his hand tangled in her hair.

Silence in the room but for their mingled breaths, contentment settled over them like a blanket, Billie's eyelids started drifting shut.

"I'm going to stay here a little longer to help Mom go through the rest of Dad's stuff, but I got you and the boys tickets for tonight." Thorin said softly. Billie's heart sank, she kept her eyes closed, like by doing so she could preserve the moment of peace she had been experiencing before. Like all of her doubts and fears hadn't just come rushing back in.

(…And then)

Bombor's truck rattled up to the house and Billie sighed gratefully, she felt like she had been gone for years, not just for a week. The twins scrambled out of the car and raced for the front door. Billie turned to smile at the chef.

"Thanks for the ride Bombor," she said. Bombor patted her hand.

"Don't worry about Thorin sweetie, I've known him a long time, he's not going to take that job." Billie sighed again.

"I hope your right." She said, when Thorin had told her that he was now going to stay behind and help his mom sort through the rest of his dad's affairs her heart had plummeted off a cliff. It was still plummeting. What if his staying was just an elaborate ruse to get rid of her? What if he had decided to take that job because he was already bored with her, he'd gotten what he wanted and now he was done, but was too much of a nice guy to say it to her face?

"I'm right," Bombor insisted, "Now go call him and tell him you got home okay. I'm sure he's anxious to hear from you."

"Okay," Billie popped open the door and slid out into the Texas night. "Thanks again." Bombor gave a little wave before driving off. Billie walked over to join the boys on the porch.

"Why didn't you go in?" she asked.

"You've got the only key," Kili reminded her, suppressing a yawn. Fili was off in the corner of the deck facetiming with Elann.

"No, I missed you more," he said. Kili and Billie rolled their eyes in unison.

"If you and Uncle Thorin get like that I'm going to hang myself out in the barn." Kili warned.

"If we get like that we'll hang ourselves in the barn," Billie said, she went to put the key in the lock but then noticed, the door was ajar.

"It's open," she said, feeling goosebumps start to pop up on her arms despite the warmness of the evening.

"Did we forget to lock up before we left?" Kili asked.

"I don't think so," Billie walked over to a pile of lumber that was sitting by the stairs and selected a hefty piece, "Okay. Get behind me," she said. Kili scoffed.

"No way, I'm a man, you get behind me."

"This isn't the 1800's Kee and Thorin said I'm in charge!"

"Why don't we all go in together?" Fili said, he had noticed what was happening and hung up. He pried the wooden plank out of Billie's hands, "Give me that, I've got the harder swing."

"Fine," Billie grumbled, pushing open the door. As one they stepped over the threshold. Kili raised his fists, Fili the wooden plank, Billie pushed the keys between her knuckles and held them up and…nothing. No bad guys or boogeymen jumped out.

They moved in a clump towards the stairs, a paint can was tipped over spilling a puddle of red onto the new wood. As they looked around Billie saw several things that were out of place or messed up. A chair in the kitchen was on the counter for some reason, a row of nails was hammered into the baseboard in the living room. Upstairs there were a series of random brush strokes staining the wallpaper.

"Did some disgruntled modern art student turn our house into a project?" Kili asked in a whisper. Billie shrugged and pulled open the door to the main bedroom.

"Donna is that you?" A voice asked. Billie shrieked, the boys screamed and like the Scooby-Doo gang they turned and ran from the probable ghost as fast as they could. All that was missing was for one of them to shout, "Zoinks!"

"What the hell?!" Fili shouted, once they were outside. Kili paced around them, throwing anxious glances back at the house.

"I do not do ghosts!" Fili went on, "I told Uncle Thorin not to buy this house, but he wouldn't listen and would you look at that, the damn thing is haunted- Kili let out a whimper, interrupting his tirade. Billie turned back to the haunted mansion, something or someone was shuffling out the front door. Kili hid behind his brother, Fili got a tighter grip on his plank of wood.

"Donna? Why'd you run off." the ghost said, he had wispy white hair and was as pale as mist. Actually now that Billie looked closer he seemed very solid. He was defiantly walking too, not hovering like she assumed a spirit would, he had a cane and everything.

"Who are you?" Billie said, stepping forwards. The ghost frowned at her.

"Donna, you nincompoop it's me, your husband." He was close enough now for him to reach out and touch her. His hand settled on her shoulder, cold and shaking, but defiantly real.

"The boys should be in bed Donna," the old man continued, "it's late and I want to show you what I've done to the house."

"Listen ghost dude," Kili began, but Billie held up a hand to stop him.

"That sounds lovely dear," she said to the old man, "let's go inside and get some tea and then you can show me all the work you've done." She motioned frantically to the twins to go ahead of them.

"Call the police," she whispered to Fili.

"We are not having tea with a dead guy," Kili protested.

"Keep up dummy. He's not dead," Fili grabbed his brother by the back of the shirt and towed him inside, leaving Billie to take the old man's arm and help him along.

"I've got the molding you liked all installed," he told her, shuffling up the porch steps, "and in our bedroom I've installed an extra thick door," he winked at her. "You can be as loud as you want now my little screamer." Billie's discomfort grew tenfold.

"That's great," she managed. They made it into the kitchen, where Kili had the phone pressed to his ear and was speaking rapidly to the emergency operator. Fili was putting the kettle on the stove.

"Did you see the new sink Donna?" the old man asked as she settled him into a chair. "I thought you'd like this one best, it has a switch for hot and cold water."

"I just love it dear, thank you." Billie told him. Kili hung up.

"They're on their way," he whispered. The old man sat smiling happily at all of them. Billie took the seat next to him and every now and then he patted her hand.

"I'm so lucky to have such a lovely wife," he told her.

(…And Then)

The police officers knew who the old man was.

His name was Arthur Higgins. Apparently he lived in a nearby nursing home and was quite the escape artist. He got loose about once a month and found his way into someone's house, thinking it was his own and whoever was living there was his long dead family. He'd try to fix things up, paint the walls, hammer in nails, glue things in weird places. They talked to him in soothing tones as they lead him to the squad car.

Billie was surprised to find she was pushing back tears. Poor Arthur, no one left to love him, always searching for the time when he was happiest and never being able to find it.

"That was really depressing," Kili said, as the squad car drove off. After having assured himself that the old man was in fact not dead, he'd warmed greatly to the old timer and been engaged in a conversation with him when the police arrived.

Arthur, convinced he was his deceased son, kept telling him all about the things they would do together once he got a little older. Kili sank down onto the stairs and stared gloomily out the door.

"When I'm old Fee," he said finally, "Promise you won't put me in a home and forget about me." Fili sat down next to him.

"Nah, I'll just lock you in the basement." Fili said, slinging an arm around his brother's shoulders, "then your screams will remind me your alive." Kili ducked out from under his arm smiling and shaking his head.

"Thanks asshole."

(…And Then)

They finally went to bed around two in the morning. Billie drifted in and out of dreams featuring Thorin and old men searching for their long, lost loves. She woke to the sound of tires on the gravel drive and sat upright in her camp bed, heart pounding like a snare drum.

Her half asleep state convinced her that it had to be him! He was back! She threw back the covers and rushed to the front door, throwing it open and running down the porch steps.

"Thorin?!" she started, but it was so dark, she couldn't see a thing. Not him, not the car he had come in. She turned around to see if he had somehow gotten behind her and there was a whistling sound, a sharp pain to the back of her head and she knew no more…


	15. Taken

"Fee, Fee wake up!" Fili rolled blearily onto his back, looking up into the concerned face of his brother.

"What?" he groaned.

"Billie is gone!" Kili looked scared, but that could all be an act, Fili sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"She's what?"

"She's gone!" Kili practically shouted, "The front door was open when I woke up and there are tire tracks in the gravel, but our car is still here!"

Fili sighed, "Kee she probably went out for breakfast with that Lizzy friend of hers. Calm down."

"No, she was supposed to go out to go out to breakfast with me, to tell me what happened in New York." Lizzy said, coming up behind Kili, "when she didn't show and didn't pick up her phone I came here to look for her." Fili looked over at the cot Billie had slept on, her phone was on the floor next to it. He got out of bed and picked it up, it was on silent which explained why he hadn't heard any of Lizzie's 12 missed calls. A tiny bit of anxiety started to churn in his gut.

"Okay, let's think." He said as calmly as he could, "where else would she go?"

"Dori and Balin haven't seen her," Kili said, holding out his own phone to illustrate that he'd called them, "neither has Bombor, at least since last night."

"Did anyone try the hospital?"

"I did," Lizzy said, "She's not there." The tiny bit of anxiety grew larger.

"We should call Uncle Thorin," Fili decieded, "Maybe he knows where she is?"

"And if he doesn't?" Kili asked. Fili frowned as he waited for Thorin to pick up.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." He said.

(…And Then)

"What do you mean she's gone?" Thorin started pacing around the piles of paperwork he'd created in his father's study. "Where would she go?"

"We don't know," Fili said, "What should we do? Should we call the police?"

"Yes," Thorin headed to the stairs, he was packing and catching the first flight out of here. Billie could be in trouble. How could he have sent her home alone? They had never caught the crazy that kept trying to hurt them. What had he been thinking? "Call them and then everyone we know, ask if they've seen her. I'm getting on a plane as soon as possible. Call me if you find out anything!"

"Okay bye." Fili hung up. Thorin started throwing his clothes into his bag, silently berating himself.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he thought. "Why do you never think? You sent her into danger without a backwards glance!" He picked up his phone again, scrolling through his contacts and started calling anybody and everybody who might have seen his lost love in the last eight hours. All the responses were negative, no one had seen the girl. Finally, he reached the I's.

"Dess," he said frantically into the phone, "Look I know you probably never want to hear from me again, but you haven't seen Billie have you?"

(…Meanwhile)

Billie woke to complete blackness. The back of her head throbbed in unison with her heartbeat, bile rose in her throat, she made herself swallow it back down.

She tried to sit up, but there was a wall directly above her head, "Okay," she said out loud, fighting down the urge to panic, "Okay." Exploration with her arms and legs showed walls on every side of her, she was in a box of some sort. Twisting her neck as far as it would go she discovered a pin prick of light coming from the corner. She wriggled until she could shove her eye up against the hole it streamed from.

Asphalt moving steadily beneath her, a road, she was in a car. In the trunk it would seem.

"Shit," Billie muttered. Anxiety was making it hard to think, what should she do? One thing for sure she wasn't about to just lay here and wait for her kidnappers to open the trunk. What was it her mom used to tell her to do if a person ever snatched her at the mall again?

Kick out the headlights.

Getting in the right position took more wriggling and several sweaty, minutes but finally she was able to aim her bare foot at the hole and lash out as hard as she could.

"Ow!" she whispered as the reverberations ran up her shin. She kicked again harder this time, "Ow! Ow!" she rained blows down on the light and slowly but surely it began to pull free of its holdings. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Pieces of heavy duty plastic splintered off and stuck in her ankle as the headlight popped out and shattered against the road. Billie wiggled some more to be able to stick her hand out of the hole, so she could start waving frantically.

Inside the car she heard a voice speaking, it sounded vaguely familiar. She increased her waving as random and useless facts rolled through her brain. Eighty percent of people know their killers. Only a quarter of people who are shot actually survive. The person speaking inside the vehicle said her name, she heard it over the frantic beating of her heart.

"Billie…" She stuck her whole arm out of the hole and flapped it up and down. This proved to be a bad plan.

The car screeched to a halt and Billie was sent rolling against the far side wall. The driver must have seen her arm. Footsteps in the gravel outside, and then blinding light as the trunk was thrown open. Billie squinted against the glare.

"Well, well, well," said her captor, "look who finally woke up. Trying to escape were you?" Billie blinked in confusion, she swore she knew that voice and then Iradessa was shoving a gun against her chest.

"Get. Out." The blonde said, pressing the weapon hard against the space just above her heart. Billie swallowed her fear and made her legs move, she was in her pajamas and had no shoes on, the pavement was boiling hot beneath her bare feet. She ignored the pain, better to have blisters than a bullet hole.

"Get in the passenger's seat," Iradessa ordered. Billie obeyed, sliding into the air conditioned car exterior. Iradessa kept the gun trained on her as she walked to the other side and settled behind the wheel.

"We have a few more miles to go," Dessa explained, holding the gun in her lap as she put the car back into drive, with it still pointed firmly at Billie's torso, "before you can have your "accident"." Billie's mouth went dry.

"Why are you doing this?" She managed to ask.

"Why?!" Iradessa cackled with laughter, exactly like a cartoon supervillain, " Come on Shirley Temple you know why!"

"Um, no I don't" Iradessa spared her a disgusted glance.

"Oh please," she said, turning down an even more deserted country road than the one they were already driving on. "Like you didn't take Thorin away from me on purpose? I may be blonde but I'm not stupid you know."

Billie had her doubts about this statement but kept her mouth shut, Crazy looked like she meant business. Iradessa caught her eyeing the weapon in her hand.

"Wondering if I actually know how to use this thing?" she guessed. Actually Billie had been wondering if she could wrestle it away from her before she had time to pull the trigger, but again she kept her mouth shut. "I'm Texas born and bred Shirl, I've been shooting since I was big enough to lift a gun." She rolled down the window, aiming the gun as a passing telephone pole. "Watch." The gun went off, the transformer on the top of the pole let off a bang and a shower of sparks.

"That's while going 60 miles an hour and driving," she said, pointing the gun back at Billie, "just think what I could do to you if you try to run." She smiled at Billie's frightened expression.

"Once you're out of the picture I'm moving Thorin to a real city," she went on conversationally, like they were out for coffee or something, instead of in a hostage situation. "I am so sick of cotton fields and cows."

"Even if I am gone, Thorin isn't going to get back together with you." Billie told her. Iradessa snarled at her, moving the gun so it jammed against her ribs.

"I could just kill you right now," she warned. Billie kept her head held high, not letting the other woman see her fear.

"And ride with a smelly corpse to wherever your disposing of my body?" she asked. Iradessa squished her eyebrows together, thinking and then moved the gun back to its original threatening position.

"You have a point," she begrudgingly admitted, "plus this is a rental. I don't want them charging me for having to scrub your life blood off the dash."

"How thoughtful of you," Billie managed, her heart rate slowly coming down from 200.

"Anyways, you're wrong." Iradessa went on, "Thorin and I are meant to be together its destiny. He'll come back to me and we'll get rid of those obnoxious nephews of his. Then we'll move to a nice little apartment in New York, he'll take over his father's company and I'll live the rest of my life in luxury."

"You do know he was cut off right?" Billie said, "he's not the heir anymore – she stopped mid-fib, Iradessa was cackling again.

"You idiot," the psychopath giggled, "do you think I left any of this to chance? I know all about that, which is why I manipulated his fathers will to read otherwise, to make it look like he never took his son and daughter out of it." Billie felt her throat freeze up as she realized Dessa's whole new level of crazy.

"I've been working this for a very long time," Iradessa continued, "when I learned his father had a heart attack I knew it was finally my moment. The only thing I couldn't control and didn't expect was you." She stopped monologueing to shoot Billie a glare. "I've been trying to get rid of you since I met you. I knew Thorin had a certain, weakness for you, and that just wouldn't do. You however, have proved obnoxiously hard to kill."

"It was you?!" Billie exclaimed, "with the support beams and the snake?"

"And the brake line," the blonde said proudly.

"Why?"

"I already told you why!" maybe it was just Billie's terrified brain, but the white parts of Iradessa's eyes were starting to turn red. "You messed with my destiny! And I did not work this hard to watch a white-trash moocher like you steal my future away from me! Now -." She gave the girl a little jab in her side with the gun, "no more questions, your voice irritates me."

(…And Then)

"We're heeere," Iradessa sang, still wearing her Cheshire Cat smile. She pulled the car up alongside a barn, even with the windows closed the smell was overpowering. She got out of the car, keeping her barrel pointed at Billie through the windshield as she came around to the passenger's side. She opened the door and gestured for the smaller woman to get out. Billie complied, scanning around desperately for an escape. She was not about to die at the hands of this woman, she was not leaving Thorin in her French-tipped clutches. Iradessa grabbed her firmly by the upper arm.

"Move," she said, propelling her forward. They walked towards the barn, hot dust swirled in clouds around Billie's bare feet. With every step the smell became stronger, mud mixed with feces and rotting garbage, and…something else that Billie couldn't quite put her finger on. Then they walked through the barn doors and it all made sense.

Pigs, thousands of them, all crowded together in pens. Some slurping up slops, some lying in the dust, some just standing around oinking. Billie had heard somewhere that if you feed a body to a bunch of pigs not even the bones will be left. Iradessa had obviously heard the same thing because there she stood looking supremely pleased with her genius.

"Well," she said, stopping by a pen halfway down the row. "I wish I could say it's been fun, Shirley, but it hasn't." she cocked her weapon, Billie felt frozen with fear, "Any last words?"

"Hey!" shouted a voice, both women turned, a man in rubber boots and overalls was advancing towards them. "What are you doing in here?" Iradessa transferred her gun point to him and fired. In the same moment, Billie pulled her arm free and started sprinting for the barns far door. Her ears were ringing with the sound of the shot, so she never heard the second one go off, but she felt it as it punched through her calf. A red hot pain lanced up and down her leg and she went sprawling into the dirt.

With a cry she was back on her feet, moving as quickly as she could, her leg practically dragging behind her. There! A field, of wheat…or…something tall and wavy, Billie plunged herself between its stalks. Behind her Iradessa let out a scream.

"You can't hide from me you little gutter rat!" she shouted. Billie kept limping forwards, her leg felt like it was going to fall off, tears were streaming down her cheeks like twin waterfalls. Silence from Iradessa's end, nothing, but the singing of cicadas and then there was a roar.

Billie watched in horror as the front bumper of Iradessa's car busted through the wheat behind her, she dove to the side as the blonde drove into the field, firing shots at random and leaving a flattened lane of grain in her path. Billie crawled back out into the open and then limped back into the barn, searching frantically for a place to hide. The body of the dead pig farmer lay in the aisle, blood clotting in the dust. Billie turned in circle, but she couldn't see anything that would make a decent hiding spot, blood dripped from her leg leaving an obvious trail. Gritting her teeth, she scooped a handful of dust, spit in it and plastered it to her wound. It burned like fire, but it was preferable to dying.

There! A tool shed, hiding in the shadows, she forced her way inside it, among the rakes and shovels and shut the door, curling herself into a ball in the back. Just as Iradessa's car burst out of the field and sped down the aisle of pens. She could hear the blonde cursing as she stopped before the dead pig farmer.

"I hope you appreciate everything I'm doing for us Thorin," she mumbled to herself, "These shoes were new you know and I am never going to be able to get the stains out of them now." There was a thump, she must have dumped the body in a pen because the pigs started squealing like no tomorrow.

Billie tried her hardest not to breath, she could hear Iradessa mumbling to herself just outside the door.

"Where'd you go Shirley? Come on out. You see Thorin, you see how annoying she is? You are so lucky you are going to be with me instead." Footsteps as she moved away and then silence. Billie dared to open the door, the pig yard was empty. She left the safety of the closet and started limping towards the field across the road. She could use it as cover while she got the hell out of here.

"There you are Shirley!" Iradessa said, Billie's blood ran cold and she took off in a hobbling run, zigging and zagging as best she could. Iradessa fired again, and again. The first shot missed, the second grazed Billie's side as it went by. Billie cried out in pain, but kept running, she made the field and bolted inside. Sharp rocks dug into the soles of her feet, the stalks whiplashed against her face and arms. She pushed further in, ignoring the pain, letting only one thought in her mind. She had to keep moving!

(…And Then)

Iradessa stomped her foot in frustration, the little bitch was fast, she'd give her that. She got back into her car and drove into the other field, confident she'd come across the girl sooner rather than later.

But she didn't.

With each passing minute Iradessa's frustration grew. This was unacceptable! This was not how the plan was supposed to go! And if Shirley Temple messed it up further, if she called the police or worse, Thorin. Well. Hell hath, no fury like a Stone Woman scorned.


	16. The L Word

A trailing vine snagged on Billie's pajama bottoms and sent her tumbling to the ground. She tried to stand back up, but collapsed with a cry as a fresh wave of pain washed over her. She made it to her hands and knees and began to crawl. It took her a minute to notice but the stalks around her were thinning. She looked up, it was the edge of the field!

Happy laughter floated on the breeze towards her along with the barking of a dog, Billie dragged herself forwards, crawling into the clear, the laughter stopped. A growl made her look up again, an enormous black lab stood over her, behind him cowered two children, a boy and a girl. The boy held a rock like he was ready to beat her with it.

"Hello," Billie croaked at them, the dog stopped it's growling and lowered it's big, wet nose to sniff her.

"Are you okay Ma'am?" the boy asked in a thick country twang.

"No," Billie moaned, she tried to stand up again, but it hurt too much, she managed to sit with her bad leg stretched out in front of her. The children watched warily, the dog satisfied that she wasn't evil, licked her cheek and went to sit by the little girl who hugged him around the neck.

"Are your parents' home?" Billie panted, her side throbbed, her leg registered its own complaints, she was going to throw up…nope, it was all good, she swallowed it.

"No Ma'am," the boy said, "they went into town for groceries, they won't be back for a while." White spots started to dance in front of Billie's eyes. The little girl took a couple of steps towards her, then changed her mind and ran to hide behind the boy.

"Drat," Billie managed, "Well then, would you please let me use the phone?"

(…And Then)

Thorin's phone rang just as he grabbed his suitcase off the baggage claim, an unknown number, he answered it anyways.

"Hello?"

"Is this Mr. Oakenshield?" a child's voice asked. Thorin stopped moving towards the airport exit, frowning at his phone.

"Yes?" How did a kid get his number?

"Oh, good," the child continued, "Ms. Baggins, I got him!" There were static filled fumbling noises and then Billie was croaking in his ear.

"Thorin?" Her voice was strained, she sounded out of breath.

"Billie! Oh, Thank God! Where are you? Are you okay?"

(…And Then)

The truck holding Thorin, his nephews and Lizzy screeched to a dusty halt outside the address that Billie had given him over the phone. A little girl and a large, black dog ran up to greet them.

"Are you Mr. Oakenshield?" she asked.

"I am," Thorin said, looking down at the girl, who broke into a large toothy smile. She grabbed his hand and started towing him towards the house. The others followed.

"She's in the kitchen, 'cause she said she didn't want to get her blood all over the carpet." They went through a living room and dining room into the kitchen. Billie was propped up against the refrigerator, a little boy was holding a juice box to her lips. She was pale as death.

"Billie!" Thorin dropped to his knees besides her, kissing her forehead, her cheek, her cold mouth. Fili, Kili and Lizzy all crowded in, he waved them off, they retreated a few inches.

"Hey," Billie smiled weakly, "How's it going handsome?"

"She got shot Mr. Oakenshield," the boy told him, "in the leg." Thorin moved his attention to Billie's injuries.

"What happened Billie?" Lizzy asked, crouching down, "Where did you disappear to?" Thorin rolled up the leg of her pajama pants.

"It was Iradessa," Billie told her, Thorin looked up sharply. "I thought I heard you pull into the driveway Thorin, so I ran out to greet you and she whacked me in the back of the head. I woke up in her trunk, she took me to a pig farm and planned on shooting me and feeding my body to the pigs."

"There's a pig farm up the road," the boy said, "Mr. Franklin owns it."

"A man came up before she could pull the trigger and asked us what we were doing there. She shot him and I managed to get away, but she got my leg, I escaped into the field across the road and she drove her car in after me. For all I know she's still looking for me in there."

Throughout Billie's narration Thorin's mouth had gone tighter and tighter, his ears flushed a deep red, but she doubted it was because he was embarrassed. She expected him to ask more questions, or say something along the lines of, "No, it can't be true…it's impossible." Instead he took off his belt.

"Wh-what are you doing with that?" she asked a little fearfully.

"Tourniquet." Thorin explained, grabbing the kitchen towel hanging off the oven, "you've lost too much blood as it is." He shoved the towel into the hole the bullet had made, Billie bit down on her lip to muffle her scream as Thorin tightened the belt over the wound. It felt like he was cutting off her leg with a cheese wire.

"Help me get her up," Thorin ordered the twins, who obediently grabbed one of Billie's arms each and pulled, the white spots started crowding in from the sides of her vision, she swayed between their support. Thorin handed a business card to the little boy.

"If your parents have questions tell them to call me," he said, motioning for the group to start moving towards the door. He relieved the twins of their burden, scooping Billie up in his arms, she rested her head on his shoulder gratefully.

"Is she going to be okay Mr. Oakenshield?" the little girl asked, trotting after them as they walked outside.

"She'll be fine," Thorin smiled at the youngster, "Thanks to you two." Kili opened the door and he slid Billie into the front seat of the truck, then turned around to look at the children. "Thank you, for saving my Billie."

(…And Then)

One painful car ride, a minor surgery, an IV and a police questioning session later, Billie was sitting propped up in her hospital bed with her eyes shut fighting a losing battle with sleep, when Lizzy walked in. She sat down in the chair next to her bed and handed her a can of Pepsi.

"They didn't have any coffee." She explained, Billie cracked the can open and took a sip, it tasted like Nirvana.

"Thank you," she said.

"Did they catch the Irabitch yet?" Lizzy asked. Billie shook her head.

"They're still looking around the farm, but they said that an officer was going to come check on us at the house every couple of hours, just to make sure she doesn't come there"

"Oh, good." Lizzy's face slowly transformed with the smile of a cat who has drank all the cream. "…Soooo?" she said, leaning forwards and wiggling her eyebrows up and down, "How long have things been going on between you and the good doctor?" Billie let out weak laugh.

"It started in New York," she told her friend, "after his dad's funeral."

"Was that what you were going to tell me over breakfast?" Lizzy asked, Billie nodded.

"Okay, yeah, I'm going to need details," Lizzy said, Billie laughed again just as Thorin walked into the room. There was an awkward moment of silence, Thorin cleared his throat. Lizzy got the picture and stood up.

"I'll just, go see if I can't find some actual coffee," she said. Behind Thorin's back she mouthed the word, "Details!" Billie cracked a smile. Thorin sank down into Lizzy's vacated chair.

There was another long stretch of silence, then…

"I'm sorry," Thorin's voice was soft, his head hung heavy, "This was all my fault."

"What!" Billie exclaimed, "That's crazy, Thorin, what are you talking about?"

"I shouldn't have let you come home by yourself, I should have listened when you told me about Iradessa- ."

"I never told you she was completely unhinged," Billie reminded him, "just that she was a bitch. I hardly think not believing me at the time makes all of this your fault."

"But - ." Thorin started, Billie grabbed both of his hands, cutting him off.

"Thorin, it's not your fault." Another silence stretched between them, filled with things unspoken, they came together, Thorin held her softly, like he was afraid she would break.

"I love you," he murmured against her lips.

There was a beat, Billie knew this was her cue to say the same back, because it was true. She loved him, but, somehow, the words themselves would not come out and Billie found herself pulling him closer, clinging to his coat, pouring everything she could into her actions, because once again her words were failing her.

(…And Then)

"So are you two going to be all mushy all the time now too?" Kili grumped from the backseat.

"Yes," Thorin said, squeezing Billie's hand, "just to annoy you." They were driving home, finally. He hadn't let go of her since the hospital, Billie was trying very hard not to squeal with delight over this. Or the fact that when Fili asked if they were dating he'd said yes without any hesitation. She felt 13 all over again, crushing on the high school JV quarterback. Once she got her tongue to work and was able to tell him how she felt about him everything was going to be perfect. In the back, Kili made gagging noises.

"It's bad enough I have to put up with it from Fili's end, Can't you guys just go back to having loads of unresolved sexual tension? That was working out really well for me." Thorin's ears flashed red, Billie suppressed her giggle. What was wrong with her? Was it the blood loss? Was she getting slap happy? She wasn't even entirely sure what that meant.

"Shut up Kili," Thorin growled. The brunette resumed his pout.

The house was an extremely welcome sight after, well…everything that day. The driveway was empty, the police babysitting service must not be there yet. Good, Billie was exhausted, she didn't want to talk to any more officers of the law, she just wanted sleep. It was only 7 at night but she was going to go straight to bed. She needed about a good 15 hours of shut eye before she was going to feel like herself again. They pulled into the driveway and she heaved a happy sigh. Thorin looked at her questionably.

"Home, sweet home." She explained, he smiled and then a shotgun shell blew out the back window.

Kili screamed, a second shot blew out the front window and then Iradessa was there, throwing open the door, holding a gun to Billie's head for the second time that day.

"Thorin," the blonde said, "You're back! I missed you."

"Iradessa," Thorin had his hands raised, "please, put the gun down."

Iradessa laughed, "No, I don't think I will sweetie. You see this little bitch," the shotgun poked Billie in the corner of her eye, "keeps messing with our future and this," she stroked the gun with her none firing hand, "is the golden ticket to making her stop. Permanently. Say, bye, bye." Her finger tightened on the trigger.

Everything went into slow motion, Billie saw Iradessa's hand flexing, knew that it meant the end for her. She instinctively pulled back, the barrel slid off her temple. A thunder clap sounded next to her ear, hot sparks like demon's claws scoured her face. She fell to the side, ears ringing, heart going a million miles an hour.

Screaming, faint and far away, shouting, cursing. She tried to open her eyes, to bear some witness to what was surely her trip to final judgement, but it burned. A heavy something slid over her, to her right there were several thuds. More screaming, cursing. Another thunder clap and then silence. Slowly, the ringing faded out, she managed to open her eyes, they immediately filled with tears, blurring her vision. A hand cupped her stinging cheek.

"Billie?"

Thorin.

(…And Then)

It took a while for the whole incident to make sense. Thorin had explained it to her while they waited for the police to show up to take Iradessa to jail.

"You pulled back, the bullet missed you, barely missed me and shattered the driver's window. The boys jumped out and tried to wrestle the gun away from Dessa, she shot at Kili, but missed and then I managed to get her on the ground. We tied her up with a power cord I'd left on the porch."

Billie heard him but, had trouble believing that she could be that lucky. To survive not one, but two attacks by a psychopathic would-be-murderer? Maybe she was actually dead and she just didn't know it.

"Stop being ridiculous Billie," Lizzy advised her, the next day when Billie told her what had happened, "and be grateful. The rest of us are. The world would suck without your particular brand of sunshine." Billie smiled.

"Speaking of sunshine and cloud nine and all things romantic? How are things going with Thorin? Lizzy asked. Billie's smile grew brighter, which cracked one of the scabs on her cheek. She'd gotten a multitude of minor burns from the gun going off right next to her face.

"He told me he loves me," she said.

"And do you love him?" Lizzy asked, Billie nodded, heat flooding her face. "Did you say it back?"

Billie's smile faded a bit, "I wasn't sure how…I..I don't know…I think I panicked." Lizzy laughed.

"Oh Billie."

"And now if I say it I'm afraid he's going to think it's forced or…that I'm trying not to hurt his feelings…or -."

Lizzy cut her off, "Have I mentioned that when it comes to relationships you overthink everything?" she asked. Billie sighed.

"Yes."

"Good, because, again, you are being ridiculous. Just tell him, it's not like he's going to want it spelled out on homemade chocolate cupcakes."

"There's an idea!" Lizzy laughed, giving her friend a shove so she slid off the couch they were both sitting on.

"Go tell him!" she insisted, making shooing motions. Billie gave her friend a hug and practically ran out the door.

(…And Then)

She found Thorin at work in the main bedroom, assembling a large bed frame. He stopped trying to find what part corresponded with the part he was holding and turned to look at her, standing, breathless from running, in the doorway.

"I'm getting tired of sleeping on a camping cot." He started to explain.

"I love you too!" Billie told him. Feeling her heart leave her mouth along with the words. Thorin blinked at her, and she started babbling.

"I've loved you for ages. I just didn't know how to tell you, because first you had a girlfriend and then I'd thought you'd think I was clingy and then I, I'm not sure what happened, I think I panicked." Thorin moved towards her, his smile would have lit up a cave. His kiss was long and sweet, Billie wound up breathless once more.

"Say it again." Thorin begged. Billie smiled against his lips.

"I love you too."


	17. Happily Ever After

_Three Weeks Later_

Billie twirled the golden ring between her fingers, thinking. Before her on the kitchen table was spread a plethora of documents, most yellowed with age. One in particular held her attention, with a loud scuff of chair legs on the wood floor she stood up, shoving the paper into her pocket.

The drive to the nursing home took almost no time at all. Billie wasn't entirely sure why she was doing this, but it seemed…right somehow.

The reception area was quiet as she stepped inside the home, an attendant in a pink uniform sat behind the desk chewing on a pen cap as she studied a crossword puzzle. Billie tapped on the top of the desk to get her attention.

"Excuse me," she said when the woman looked up, "I'm here to see Arthur Higgins."

"Arthur?" The woman raised her eyebrows a smile forming in the corner of her mouth, "Really?!"

"Yes?" Billie said, mildly confused.

The woman shook her head, "Sorry, it's just. Arthur has never gotten a visitor before, not in all the years he's been here! Are you family, or - ?"

"Not exactly," Billie explained, "he broke into my house a couple of weeks ago."

"Oh -." The attendants smile fell flat, "Well if it's property damage you wanted to discuss, you can talk it over with me -."

"No, it's not that at all." Billie assured her, "I'm not looking for money or anything, I just-I did some research on the history of our house and…may I see him? Please." The attendant raised an eyebrow at her, but seemed to feel she was being honest, because she stood up and motioned for her to follow.

"He's probably out back." She explained, striding down the hallway. The walls were painted what was probably supposed to be a soothing shade of blue, but to Billie they just looked depressing, watered down. The back garden was much more cheerful; someone had obviously tried to make it nice out here. Sunflowers ringed the veranda they stood under, a path led to a bench placed under a weeping willow. Smaller beds filled with bright, growing things lined the wooden fence encasing the yard.

A male attendant, sat on an overturned bucket, watching a thin, white haired man as he puttered around in the flowerbeds. Seeing them approach, he stood up.

"Hey Mary," he said, "is it time for lunch already?"

Mary laughed, "Not quite yet you glutton, can the gardener be interrupted? This young lady would like to speak with him." Glutton-man looked as surprised as Mary had.

"Really?" Mary nodded, the man burst into a wide smile. "Hey Arthur." He said, turning to the figure in the flowerbed, "there is someone here to see you." Arthur straightened up and turned towards them, Billie walked forwards, clutching the hem of her shirt nervously.

"Hello Arthur," she began.

"Hello Donna," Arthur smiled sweetly at her, "have you come to see your garden at last?"

"No. I mean it's-it's lovely," Billie said truthfully, "but I came to talk to you actually. Um…do you mind if we sit down?"

"Of course not," Arthur slipped his skinny arm through hers and led her over to the bench under the willow. "Now, what is it dear?" he asked once they were seated.

"Um," Billie cleared her throat, this was harder than she thought it was going to be. "Um," she began again, "I was - I did some research into the previous owners of my house, you might not remember but you broke into it a couple of weeks ago." Arthur looked back at her with confusion.

"Anyways," Billie went on, "Like I said I did some research and -," here she pulled out the crumpled bill of sale that she'd placed in her pocket. "the house was owned by a Mr. Arthur Higgins in 1956." Arthur continued to look at her blankly, so Billie pressed on, hoping this was going to end well. "I'm not sure, but I was hoping…was this yours." She pulled the golden ring out and held it out to the old man. Arthur looked at the piece of jewelry sitting on her palm and slowly recognition seemed to dawn in his eyes.

"My ring," he broke into a gummy smile, gingerly plucking the gold band from her hand. "Donna you found it."

"It is yours," Billie said with relief. Arthur nodded, slipping the ring onto one thick-knuckled finger.

"Of course it's mine silly woman," he laughed, "Don't you remember, you picked it out for me. I thought I'd lost it when we upgraded the Hobbit Hole."

Billie went from smiling happily to confused, "the what?"

Arthur laughed, "You're forgetful today my love. Remember, that's what you called our trailer on the lot, before we built the house. After those creatures in Norse legend that you love so much. The little ones with the hairy feet, that lived in the holes." Billie felt her throat catch, pushing back sudden tears she played along.

"Oh right," she smiled, "the hobbit's, of course I remember." Arthur pressed a kiss on top of her head, giving her hand a squeeze.

"I'm so glad you found it Donna," he said, "I didn't feel right without it." He looked away, smiling at one of the flowers bending its head in the breeze, he turned back to her mouth open as if to say something and then paused, gray brows wrinkling in confusion.

"I'm sorry have we met?" he asked. The lump in Billie's throat got bigger, she swallowed around it, making herself talk.

"I was just admiring your garden." She said. Arthur smiled, looking back out at his flowerbeds.

"I made it for my wife Donna." He said, getting creakily to his feet, "she's going to come and see it soon, I'd better go make it nice for her." Slowly he moved over to one of the other beds. Billie stood up, she'd done what she came to do, she should go….

But she didn't, not for a long while, she just stood there watching the old man putter around pulling weeds, the breeze in her hair, the sun warming the mulch at her feet.

 _One Year Later_

Billie stood at the kitchen window, watching the August sun beat down upon the Durin boys as they tried to cram the last of their possessions into their car. Thorin was attempting to help them with their intricate game of packing Jenga but mostly Billie knew he was trying to keep busy. If he was busy, he wouldn't start crying…again.

"I remember when they were born!" he'd reminisced drunkenly at the twins going away barbeque, "Kili was weirdly hairy! Fili peed on me, and now look at 'em" Billie looked the direction his beer was pointing. The twins were playing a game of cornhole with Lizzy and Elann, but it had mostly dissolved into a game of "let's chuck beanbags at each other." The doctor had let out a sniffle, more than one tear trickling down his cheek. "God, I'm going to miss them!" Billie looked down at the sink, smiling.

"Billie?" she looked up, the twins were standing in the doorway, "We're ready to go." The lump in her throat was getting bigger by the second. She rushed forwards and tried to wrap her arms around both boys at once.

"Promise you'll call once in a while." She sniffed, "So I don't forget what you sound like."

"You might see me soon. I can't be sure I'll make it through the whole first semester," Kili grinned down at her, "college might be super boring."

Fili frowned at him. "You actually studied enough last year to not only graduate, but to get a decent score on the SATs, and you're going to throw that all away because you might get bored?"

His brother grinned, "I do have to stop you from becoming an even bigger nerd, so it might not turn out so awful after all. Planning your future annoyance brings me nothing but joy."

Billie transferred her full hugging power to Fili cutting off his squawk of protest. He sighed and hugged her back, then Kili wrapped his arms around her, almost lifting her off her feet. They stayed that way for a long minute until she made herself let go. A part of her wanted to stay in this doorway forever, crushing the breath out of the little brothers that she had never known she wanted.

"Look after each other alright," Thorin said, joining the group to hug both boys, "Don't do anything too stupid."

"Us?!" Kili mocked outrage, "Uncle Thorin, how dare you suggest such a thing!"

Thorin grinned, shoving his nephews arm, "Alright, alright. Get out of here you dunderheads. Billie and I can't wait to start celebrating your absence." Both boys made a face.

"Ew!" Kili said, backing away, "Yeah come on Fee, we do not want to see that."

"Agreed." Billie and Thorin followed the boys outside, standing on the front porch watching as they got into the car and started pulling away. Billie waved frantically.

"Goodbye!" She called, "Goodbye! Love you guys! Be safe!"

"Love you too!" The boys called back, returning her wave, then they were gone, disappearing into a cloud of dust. Billie kept waving until the dust settled, the stillness rushed in to surround her and Thorin. He slid his arm around her waist. Billie leaned into him, not even trying to stop her tears.

"They'll be alright, won't they?" she asked finally. Thorin's voice was rough with emotion as he replied.

"Of course they will."

 _Three years later, Christmas_

The snow was falling thick and fast outside, Billie moved with slow, awkwardness around the table, laying out more place settings. She still wasn't used to being so…large. Seriously, women used to work in the fields like this? She could barely bend over to tie her shoes!

The front door burst open letting in a blast of cold air that she felt all the way in the back of the house, loud laughter bounced through the hallways. Billie grinned and threw down the pile of silverware she was holding, they were back.

"Boys!" she called, waddling out of the dining room, "Boys!"

"Auntie Billie!" Fili reached her first, picking her up and spinning her in a circle until she was breathless with laughter. She wrapped her arms around his snow-drenched shoulders, squeezing hard.

"Hey, don't hog her! Kili grumped, shoving his brother away and holding Billie tight, "you think just because you grew a stupid little mustache you're the king now or something?" Billie looked over his shoulder at Fili, who had indeed grown a stupid little mustache.

"Oh Fee," she sighed, "Please tell me you're going to shave."

"Elann likes it." Fili smiled, giving his lip hair a stroke, "it's not going anywhere!" His brother and Billie both moaned.

"Tell Fili his mustache is stupid," Kili said to Billie's stomach, he leaned his head in as if listening intently, "Yes. Yes, I agree. Oh dear, baby, you shouldn't use that word!" he gasped.

"Will you quit harassing my wife and child and take these upstairs." Thorin grumped, coming into the room, dripping snow and carrying what appeared to be all the twin's luggage. Laughing, Fili and Kili stole their suitcases out of his hands and pounded up the stairs to their rooms.

"Everyone will be here at five!" Billie called after them, "Change into something nice!" Thorin took off his wet coat and shook his head like a dog, sending droplets of melted snow flying everywhere. Billie shrieked and shielded her face.

"Thorin!" she scolded, but her husband only laughed and wrapped her in a big wet bear hug, planting a kiss on the end of her nose.

"Love you Sunshine," he told her, Billie smiled, kissing him back.

"Love you too," she crinkled her brow slightly, "When does your Mom get here?"

Thorin looked at his watch, "Madeline should arrive in t-minus…" he paused to do mental calculations, "forty minutes."

Billie nodded, "Okay," she shrugged out of the apron she had on and started for the stairs, "and Arthur should be here just before dinner, the home said they'd drop him off. I'm going to go take a shower real quick, watch the turkey for me?"

"So we can recreate the National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation dinner scene?"

Billie swatted his arm, "Just don't let the kitchen catch on fire."

"The kitchen isn't supposed to be on fire?!" Billie rolled her eyes at him and moved up the stairs, talking to the bun in the oven.

"Your daddy thinks he's funny but he isn't." she told her child, "just you wait till he's making jokes at your friends and you'll understand my pain."

 _Eight months after that…_

"God, I'm gonna cry." Billie muttered, peering out at the packed lawn, "I'm going to walk down the aisle crying."

"Oh no you're not." Elann scolded, narrowing her perfectly done up eyes, "if I don't get to cry, you don't get to cry. I'm the bride, what I say goes." She tried to look fierce for a while longer, but ended up bursting into giggles, which made Baby Sam watching from her perch on Billie's hip burst into giggles too. Elann smiled, kissing the infant on her soft cheek.

"That's right baby girl, none of us should be crying. This is a happy day." The swell of organ music blasted over the speakers, the wedding planner urged them all into their places. Elann's father took her arm. Another swell of music and Billie and Sam stepped onto the carpet on the lawn serving as the aisle. Billie glanced around at the friends and family gathered in rows of plastic chairs. The rented field they were using instead of a church looked glorious without any help from anybody. She dipped her hand into the little basket she carried, helping Sam to scatter petals in her role as flower girl. Thorin watched them from his place besides Fili, Billie smiled, he grinned back. Kili standing next to his uncle made faces at his cousin who once more burst into peals of laughter that could be heard over the music. The audience chuckled.

Billie took her place, the bridal march started, everyone turned to look as Elann began her long walk, but Billie looked at Fili instead. He looked much more handsome now that he'd grown a beard to go with his stupid little mustache. Elann had convinced him to cut his hair and it now resembled the style Thorin wore. His eyes lighted on his bride and the smile on his face melted Billie's heart. Crap, she was going to cry, she looked out at the audience trying to suck it up. Lizzy met her gaze and made an exaggerated boo-boo face, which made her chuckle wetly. From a few rows before her Arthur Higgins was leaning on his cane, smiling at the bride as she went by. Great now the tears were welling up faster. Billie took a deep breath. Sam grabbed onto a hunk of her hair as she focused back on the ceremony.

The couple were facing each other, Elann's face shining like a star. Promising to love each other through thick and thin, sickness and health. Finally, the organ music started back up and Billie was free to escape to the car.

She cried all the way to the reception like the giant baby she was.

 _The Arbor Day after that…_

Sam dug her plastic shovel into the dirt mound and sprinkled some into the hole Billie had made for her little tree.

"Tree?" she asked Lizzy, who was holding the sapling steady.

"It's an Oak tree," Lizzy told her. Billie tried to crouch down but gave up, her pregnant belly made her teeter precariously so she just sat on her butt, mindless of the mud and helped her daughter shovel.

"Okay," she started again, glaring at her best friend, "I am trying very hard to remain open-minded here, but it's not working. It's super weird Liz!"

"It's not that weird." Lizzy insisted, tugging her scarf tighter against the April chill.

"Not that weird?! You are sleeping with my nephew! Who you are way older than I might add!"

"Kili is an adult, I'm an adult, it's not that weird." Billie sighed, tilting her head back to look at the cloudless blue of the sky.

"Fine, whatever. Just tell me when this all started."

"On Fili's wedding. I was feeling kind of lonely and I think he was too, twin brother getting married and all that. So we had a few drinks and danced and then next thing I knew we were making out in the back of his car."

"Okay! Ew!" Billie stopped her, waving her arms. "I don't want any details! Kili is like my little brother."

Lizzy put her hand on Billie's stilling her flurried movements, "I really like him Billie." Billie sighed again, hanging her head so it rested on her chest. Sam started singing a song, Billie didn't know where she had picked up AC/DC, but the tune was clearly Highway to Hell.

"I was afraid you were going to say that." She told Lizzy, "it means I have to be understanding." Lizzy laughed.

 _Five years after that…_

The graveyard smelled like rain and rotting flowers. Billie knelt outside the rectangle of still bare earth, not caring that the grass was staining her knees. The October wind pressed against her back, moaning its complaints through the headstones. Billie cleared her throat.

"Hi Arthur," she sniffed, the cold was making her nose run. "It's me…again. I know that you're probably getting sick of me showing up here, but I wanted to show you this." She drew a picture out from her purse, holding it up to the headstone.

"See the girls wanted to make you a memorial, because Sam just learned about them at school and I remembered what you used to call the house, back when it was a trailer. So Thorin had Balin and Dori make us a sign to hang on the porch and the girls carved their names into it, so did the twins, and Thorin and I added ours."

She looked down at the picture. The whole family smiled back at her. Fili, Elann and their son. Kili, smirking with his arm around Lizzy, her hands resting on her pregnant belly. Sam sitting on her father's shoulders, her little sister Pippin clutching at Billie's sleeve and baby Marion, who everyone just called Merry, living up to her name and laughing in Billie's arms. The sign swung from its chains over their heads.

"The Hobbit Hole," the text burned into the wood read, "Established 1956 by Arthur and Donna Higgins."

"I thought you'd like that," Billie said, tucking the picture back into her purse, "When baby number four comes along, we'll put their name up there too. Yeah, I'm knocked up again." She laughed a little, "I've told Thorin this is the last one. I never wanted a baseball team, but four is a nice number." She paused, wiping at the corner of her eye. "Pippin says to tell you hi," she remembered, "And Sam wants you to know that when spring comes she's going to plant you a garden, right here. She wanted me to ask what your favorite flower was," she wiped away another tear, "I never did ask you that, so I don't know what to tell her. Guess I'll make something up, something bright. You'd like that. Sunflowers maybe."

Billie shook her head, standing up, her knees creaking. The temperature had dropped at least five degrees while she'd been kneeling there.

"Well, I'll see you later." She told Arthur's grave, "It's Pippins toddlers ballet recital tonight and I have to go help Thorin get her ready. I'll bring you a picture of what he's done to her hair, I'm sure it's hysterical." She smoothed her hand over the freezing stone of the grave, and then started the long march back to the parking lot where she'd left her car.

 _Ten years after that, Thanksgiving…_

"-And you guys all have to promise to be nice to him." Sam wound down after seven straight minutes of instructions. The family, who she had forced to sit on the couch and listen to this spiel, just blinked at her. They had been ordered not to talk.

"Well," Sam said, "Nod or say yes or something."

"Oh, we can talk again?" Frodo asked, looking up from her book. Sam let out a miniature frustrated scream and her little sister smirked.

"Yes, you can talk. Promise you'll be nice to Rob." Fili and Kili looked at each other and started laughing.

"Don't worry 'Cuz." Kili giggled, "We'll all be very nice to Rob." Fili smoothed his beard, stifling his grin.

"Yes, very nice." Elann elbowed him in the ribs, giving him a "behave" look, that he just laughed off.

"Daaaad," Sam whined, "make them listen." Thorin laughed at that, heaving himself off the couch.

"If only I had that power honey." He patted her head as he walked past, headed towards the kitchen for another eggnog. Sam sat down on the floor in a huff. Billie sighed and came to crouch next to her.

"Sam sweetie, no one is going to be mean to your boyfriend. Are we?" she leveled the rest of her children with her evilest stare, Frodo looked up from her book and clearly wished she hadn't. She gulped and nodded, Merry and Pippin murmured their promises to be good. Lizzy stuck her head out from the kitchen, calling for her.

"Now no fist fights while I finish dinner," Billie ordered. Her girls giggled a little, the spell her glare had cast broken. She went into the kitchen, Thorin was leaning up against the counter drinking his thirty-seventh egg nog of the day.

"You are no help at all." Billie told her husband, prodding him in his still nice chest. Other men his age were flabby and going bald, Thorin didn't look much different than the day she met him, except for the silver starting to creep in on his temples, but Billie liked that, it made him look distinguished.

"You wound me Sunshine," he said, putting down his eggnog cup and grabbing her around the waist, "I need kisses now." Billie laughed, trying to fend him off. She was unsuccessful, a minute or so later Lizzy cleared her throat.

"Can you two please stop making out?" she pleaded. Thorin sighed, pressing one last kiss to Billie's forehead.

"You will be nice to Sam's friend," she asked, "Please Thorin?"

Thorin sighed again, but in a different category than the first one, "So long as he doesn't call me dude like that other kid did."

"That other kid was thirteen years old!" Billie reminded him, sliding a tray of rolls into the oven, "you made him wet his pants!" Thorin smiled at the memory and then frowned upon remembering it further.

"He had his hands all over Pippin!" he defended himself, "I'm her father, what was I supposed to do. Just let her get groped by retainer-boy?"

"And this is why he is no longer allowed to chaperone school dances." Billie explained to Lizzy, who laughed. Joyous screams could be heard from outside, a snowball splatted against the window. Lizzy opened the glass an inch or three, letting in the freezing air.

"If anybody loses an eye I'm going to be very upset!" She yelled to her twins, who had been having a snowball war for somewhere around five hours now. The other kids had gotten cold and headed inside ages ago, but not Kili's boys. They were like miniature versions of the energizer bunny, Lizzy had learned long ago to just let them keep going and going and going.

"We're good Mom!" the twins called back, "no rocks this time, we promise."

"Thank you!" Lizzy pulled the window closed. Billie laughed at her, Lizzy flushed. In the background, the doorbell rang.

"Oh my God it's him!" Sam squealed, close to hysterically, sliding into the kitchen on her sock feet. She slipped and skidded her way to the door, Billie and Thorin followed. Sam paused, taking a deep breath and smoothing her dress before pulling it open. A nervous 16-year-old stood on the front steps, Lizzy's twins stood behind him, arms crossed, snowballs at the ready.

"Hi Rob," Sam gushed, ushering him inside. The rest of the family trickled out of the living room to stare at the two. Kili motioned his boys over, whispering something in their ears. They nodded and tossed their snowballs back outside.

"Hi Mr. and Mrs. Oakenshield," Rob squeaked. "Thank you for having me." Billie smiled as the youth shook Thorin's hand, her husband obviously resisting the urge to squeeze too hard.

"We're glad you could come," Billie told the boy, shaking his hand in her turn, "welcome to The Hobbit Hole."


End file.
